Officer, Shoot These People
by Osiris-Ra
Summary: ZOMG, the Others are Shippers! Ridiculous toungeincheek about who The Others REALLY are and what they REALLY want from the Losties. 4 of them, in particular. Chapt 24 Up!
1. Prelude

**Author's Notes: **While "_Final Destination_" is still in progress, I suddenly had a silly idea for another fiction. It's so absurd that it's perfect as story material :P I warn you, everyone's going to be a tweed out of character and a few shippers may get insulted. I swear, it's not personal at all, just having a little fun. If you're anti-ship, you might actually like this, lol.

**Characters**: Sawyer, Ana Lucia, Kate, The Others, (and of course some of our favorite other Losties)

**Rating**: T for Language

**Officer, Shoot These People**

**By Osiris-Ra**

"I still don't see why I had to come." Ana was grumbling irritably as she trailed behind Sawyer and Kate. The Southerner cast a peeved glare at her as he made his way across the muddy path.

"Well you're here now, so quit griping. We would have asked Sayid, but he was busy, along with most of the other candidates for this little stroll. Wasn't as if you were doing anything of earth shattering importance."

"No more important than this." Ana thought irritably. "Where exactly are we going anyway?" She asked in a louder voice.

"There's another hatch down here." Kate explained. "Awhile ago, I went along with Danielle and Claire and we found this other hatch – seemed to be some kind of medical station. They had a lot of old equipment and stuff there, I wanted to check it out a little more, see if there's anything we could salvage."

"Why didn't you guys bring anything back the last time?"

"Well, we did, but –"

Sawyer interrupted. "Tomb Raider here wants to play hero and find a homing beacon or some piece of crap like that."

"They might have communication devices there, Sawyer, its logical!"

"O Yeah, that'll prove about as helpful as a fart in a windstorm, have you already forgotten the Chronicles of the Crappy Radio sweet cheeks? Yeah, we bust our asses climbing the highest mountains just to get some transmission in French that's been looping for 16 years. If you consider the state of the electronics around here, I highly doubt you'll be finding a Raspberry in that hatch."

Kate smirked and said nothing. She hoped that soon enough, she'd be able to prove him wrong.

Later in the day, the trio came to a pause in their trip. Kate seemed to be at a loss as to where she was, and spent quite a bit of time turning around in circles and scanning the tree-line for signs of something familiar.

"Hey, I don't wanna be a killjoy here," Ana started saying, "but are we lost?"

"Hey, I don't wanna state the obvious," Sawyer retorted with his usual sarcastic drawl, "but ain't that question a bit redundant?"

"We're not lost." Kate said after a moment staring around in a displaced fashion, "We're...a little off the trail. Don't worry, I remember where to go. We just...have to find the trail and get back on it."

"What trail?" Ana complained. "I don't see any trail, I see –"

"Shhh!" Sawyer suddenly hissed, startling both women. "Listen!"

They listened closely. There was a faint sound in the jungle. Not quite a voice, more like tinkling. Like the chiming of little bells clinking out a steady tune. Each person held their breath a bit, trying half to decipher the tune, and half trying to place which direction it was coming from.

Kate finally realized what the bells were playing, and sung it quietly:

"_When the blackbird in the spring,_

_On the willow tree,_

_Sat and rocked, I heard him sing,_

_Singing Aura Lea_ "

Sawyer made a face. Then he took a step forward, moving towards what he thought was the sound. Ana noticed something odd about the grass and leaves under his feet – something odd about the whole area they were standing in. She was about to say something when Sawyer stooped down and brushed away some of the leaves from the ground. Hidden rather carefully underneath many different colored leaves and forest debris was a small metal music box, embroidered with swirling patterns. It was open, and a tiny ballerina effigy twirled slowly to the tinkled tune.

"Well, how do you figure that?" Sawyer thought as he studied the little object. Kate came closer to inspect the music box.

Ana felt the ground shift and said in a slightly alarmed tone: "Hey, guys, maybe we'd better – "

But her words were cut off by a sudden rustling sound, and before she knew what was happening, the ground peeled up from under her, scooping all three upwards into the tangled vines of a very man-made net.

* * *

The three dangled there, uncomfortably pressed against one another. They all squirmed for room, but to no avail. Kate found herself sandwiched between Sawyer and Ana, with one arm twisted in a rather painful position and poking through the net. 

"Well, ain't this cozy." Sawyer finally said after quite a bit of fidgeting. "Kate, get your goddamned hand outta my eye!"

"Forgive me, there's a bit of a shortage on space at the moment, I'm trying to pull this thing apart..."

"- well quit it – let me try, you're doin' it all wrong –"

"Ow! No, stop, it's got my arm –"

"Geez-damn it, what are you, all gams and arms Freckles? Quit shovin' –"

"Could everyone please be still and shut up for a second?" Came an irritated order from Ana. With a bit of trouble, she managed to squeeze her trusty pocketknife out of her jeans pocket and got to sawing away at the thick vines making up the net. The vines proved formidable, but she finally managed to cut away a decent portion of them. She squeezed through the tear and latched on, dangling from the net with both hands. She cast a tentative look downward then dropped. She landed hard, but more-or-less unscathed. She looked up the still trapped duo.

"Be careful!"

"Ladies first, Freckles."

Kate squeezed through next and dropped to the ground in like fashion. Sawyer followed, and soon all three were safely on terra firma. They all stared up the large net dangling 7 or 8 feet above their heads, wondering who could have taken the time to design such a trap.

"It looks like it was made for bears or something." Kate commented.

"I don't think that'd hold a bear." Sawyer mused.

"It's not like any of Rousseau's nets. And she's never used music boxes as the bait."

"Hey, this has been really fun and everything, "Ana said, dusting herself off and not really giving a damn who or what made the net, she was just glad to be out of it."but could we get a move on? It's almost dark."

None of them had a chance to comply because three startling "Pfft!"'s sliced through the air towards them. The "Pfft!" landed in their necks, and in seconds, all three were unconscious on the forest floor.

**To Be Continued...**


	2. The Council

**Author's Notes: **Thought it was dead, didn't ya? Well it wasn't for lack of trying, I can tell you that. :P This part was co-written with my friend Alexie, so I'm going to share the blame with him. The absurdity continues. Let's hope someone gets a snicker or two out of it. Once again, no offense to any shippers out there. I myself am a half'n'half Ana/Sawyer, Ana/Sayid shipper. We'll try not to be too biased towards any ship, FYI. :)

**Chapter 2: The Council**

An irritated brunette slammed her palms down the desk.

"No!"

The Council Panel, a group of 12 oddly assorted women seated at The Table, stared at her. The brunette leaned on her hands, glaring at the surprised Council.

"As Supreme Headmistress of The James (Sawyer) Ford Hussies Sub-Council, I emphatically object to the forth put pairing of Sawyer and Ana on the grounds that it is a despicable defamation of the character!"

She began to sit, and then stopped to quickly add:

"I Never!"

A slight shudder went down the backs of the Council of 12 at her final words. The events of "Outlaws" came surging back to them, Skate Member or not.

The Supreme Headmistress settled into her seat, confident of the impact of her statement.

The A.L Cortez Faction Representative, another brunette, slightly on the large side and sporting a black "Team Ana" T-shirt rose and addressed the Supreme Headmistress.

"Look Jen, you can't stay threatened by Ana forever. We need new blood anyway! You think you're gonna be the only ship here forever? Face it, it was bound to happen."

"Make a point, Counselor."

Said the Head Chairwoman, a somewhat bored looking girl sitting at the center of The Table.

"I _am_ making a point, Chairwoman." The portly brunette proceeded to pace.

"The chemistry is undeniable."

"I object." Interrupted the Supreme Headmistress sharply.

"Overruled." The Chairwoman snapped. "Go on, Counselor, and please, wrap it up quick, huh?"

"I'd like to use a visual aid." The A.L.C Faction Representative said.

"Visual Aid!" Called the Chairwoman. Within seconds, a girl pushing a cart with a large television set entered, plugged in the set and turned on the television. Heads craned to get a better veiw.

An episode of Dark Angel flickered on. The Council Panel members blinked.

The Television Cart Keeper/Second Lieutenant of S.J.F ( Sayid Jarrah Faction) apologized quickly, and fixed the glitch with a few quick clicks of the remote control.

Onscreen now was a full color surveillance transmission of Kate, Sawyer and Ana in a rectangular room that didn't appear to have a door. Sawyer was pacing and muttering to himself, and then suddenly charged up to the screen and yelled:

"What the hell d'ya want, ya sonsabitches? Why don't ya come out where we can see you so we can kick your asses!"

A thrilled shiver went down the spines of the observing congregation. Giggles and whispering ensued.

"So passionate." One said breathlessly. "He's amazing." "Look how cute he is when he's pissed off." "Can someone send me a copy of this? I'm gonna rasterbate it for my dorm room."

"Sawyer." Kate was saying. "Knock it off." Sawyer resumed pacing. "Goddamned cowards." He kicked the wall.

The Head Chairwoman sighed. Nothing important happened for a few moments. Kate began to find her cuticles interesting.

After a moment, Ana who had been sitting languidly next to Kate (and suspiciously studying the camera) stood up, pulled her switch blade from her pocket, approached the camera and plunged the knife into the screen.

The television screen fizzled to static.

"Uh oh." The Head Chairwoman said unenthusiastically. The Supreme Headmistress snickered.

"Alright, why did she have a knife anyway?" Someone complained.

"More importantly, why didn't she kill herself with it." Someone else mumbled.

"Alright, everyone shut up." The annoyed Chairwoman rose.

"Look, everyone, take a break, council is dismissed until the Councilors can get their arguments together."

The Chairwoman banged the gavel and was the first to leave. Slowly the Council of 12 dispersed. The congregation began to converse amoung themselves. The Supreme Headmistress stopped the A.L.C Faction Representative on her way out.

"Why don't you give us all a break and drop this, Megan? It's not gonna happen."

The Faction Representative crossed her arms and laughed. "Good grief, get a grip. This isn't a totalitarian establishment. It's an Island!"

She brushed past the Supreme Headmistress who exhaled sharply and glared after her.

**To Be Continued**


	3. I and I in Search of

**Author's Notes: **Don't know why I'm mentioning this, but Megan, Kiri and...basically all of the fan council are my original characters. Uhm - did I also mention that a few losties might be a tweed out of character? Hee!

**Chapter 3: I and I in Search of...**

Ana eyed the mangled surveillance camera and stuffed the weapon back in her pocket.

"There." She said cheerfully. "And now..." She approached the doorless wall. "We figure out a way out of here."

Sawyer drew a deep, weary breath. "And how do you plan to do that, sweetheart?"

A soft burst of disquieting laughter came from Kate who was sitting against the wall, giving herself a manicure with her teeth. Ana and Sawyer stared.

"Is something funny?" asked Ana with an irked glare.

"Oh it's nothing." Kate said, spitting shorn nail. "I was just thinking of a Twilight Zone episode. Five Characters in Search of an Exit." She laughed again. "A Major, a Clown, a Hobo, a Ballerina and a Bagpiper find themselves trapped in a cylinder with no memory of who they are and how they got there." She giggled.

Sawyer stared. "Don't it just kick ya how life imitates art."

With the Clown in mind, Ana glanced at Sawyer over her shoulder. "You're telling me." She resumed studying the wall. Surely, she imagined, there had to be a door somewhere. She smoothed her palm across the surface of the wall.

_Adobe brick. Interesting_...she thought tactically. Pulling the knife from her pocket again, she approached the wall and began to poke at the adobe with the blade. It was surprisingly hard. She found that she had to use all her strength to jam the knife into the wall until a decent scrape was made.

She did this for several minutes.

"Having fun?" Sawyer murmured after while.

"You could help, you know." Ana said, her fingers liberally covered with dust. Sawyer sauntered over. She handed him the knife and allowed him to take over. Sawyer worked at the wall for several minutes before he finally hurled the knife down in frustration.

"It ain't gonna work. This stuff's like freakin' brick!"

"It _is_ brick." Ana leaned her head against the wall and sighed. Perhaps there _was_ no way out. All they could do, apparently, was wait and see what was to happen. Her eyes went back to the camera she'd destroyed.

"Kate?"

Kate looked at her. "What?"

"What happened at the end of that episode?" Ana asked dryly. Kate grinned.

"They were dolls in a charity drive sidewalk barrel."

Ana smirked. "Of course."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kiri Camille, (Junior Officer of the A.L.C. Faction and newly inaugurated Rambina Coalition Acolyte), a charismatic, well built 22 year old, fondled the weapon in her hand. It was a Walther P99. She liked the weight. It felt good in her hands. She also liked the look. It was a sexy build, small but packing a lot of punch. After her amazing victory with it at the Black Rock sharp shooting arena, she'd declared it her signature weapon. She aimed at the target – which had an effigy of Jack Sheppard's face pinned to it – closed one eye and let off several shots.

She lowered the gun. Sheppard's face was peppered with well placed bullet holes. A satisfied grin curled her lips.

"I and I am a badass." Kiri mused silently with what she imagined was a pretty tough expression scrunching up her face. She started slightly when Megan came up behind her.

"You know, Ana does it with both eyes open."

Megan grinned. Kiri took off her ear defenders.

"Well, that's 'cause she's made of awesome. How'd it go?"

Megan sighed. "Not good. My argument fizzled out."

"How's that?"

"Doesn't matter. Anyway, Jennifer's a jackass."

Kiri chuckled. "Spread the news. So, what next?"

"Next?" Megan's expression brightened. That was the best part of the whole thing. Possibilities were endless.

"Next...we get rid of Kate."

A mischievous grin spread over her round face. Kiri laughed. "Whoot for that."

"Whoot for that." Megan repeated. "Give me those."

Kiri handed her the ear defenders. Megan took up the weapon and took aim – both eyes open. An automatic conveyer replaced the bullet ridden target ahead with a fresh one – this time with an image of Kate pinned to it.

"Love makes the world go round." Megan fired.

**To Be Continued**


	4. Something's Sizzlin'

**Author's Notes: **I realized I missed the out-of-character antics of this fic. So, an update! How 'bout that!

**Chapter 4: Something's Sizzlin' **

A Jate Communications Operative, snacking on a granola bar and watching a fuzzy re-run of One Life To Live on her radio/television combo, heard a rapid beep followed by an incessant grinding chirp, and turned her attention to the incoming fax.

A melodramatic caption in 48 point jet black Times New Roman filled the page:

KATE IN TROUBLE; EMERGENCY SKATE/JATE MEETING, 22:30

At about the same time, a Mission Control Operative in the middle of a internet surfing session was being sent an IM via Blackberry that all members of any and all Ana-Lucia Cortez affiliated factions were being summoned to an evening strategic congregation. The utmost discretion around non-Ana Lucia affiliated personnel was strictly advised.

Meanwhile, Sawyer, Kate and Ana had consigned themselves to whatever was to come, and were now in the blissful rapture of slumber.

That slumber would be rudely interrupted by a horrific grinding noise.

Before Sawyer could shout: "What the hell??" over the din, the trio realized that the reason for the grinding was that part of the wall was sliding away. After a minute, the noises ceased, and the trio stood in stunned bewilderment before a metal door.

Without warning, the door unlocked with a tremedous CLICK and was shoved open. Before the three knew what was happening, military personnel charged into the room, took each of them by the arm and injected them with something.

Kate babbled incoherently – she was trying to call for Sawyer – but the drugs worked quickly, slurring her words, and finally she blacked out. Three military personnel ungraciously hoisted each person over their shoulders, and carried each unconscious body out of the room.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Locke? You here?"

Jack entered the hatch, scanning for anyone familiar. Locke was sitting on the couch in the living area, reading an automotive magazine which was outdated by a decade or two.

"Hey, Jack." Locke looked up from his reading with a smile.

"You seen Sawyer?" Jack asked. "I've been looking for him everywhere – I need to talk to him, it's kinda important."

"No, haven't seen them." Locke folded his magazine.

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Kate or Ana Lucia around either." Jack glared thoughtfully.

"Really? All three of them?" Now Locke was glaring too. "Odd."

Jack nodded. "That's what I'm saying."

"Maybe they're busy."

"It'd be nice if people told me these things." Jack said irritably. He folded his arms and began to sound petulant. "You know – I try to keep everyone in the loop, I try to keep our machine – such as it is – running smoothly, the least people could do is let me in on things around here!"

Locke stared.

"I know just how you mean, Jack."

Jack glanced at Locke sharply. He wasn't about to begin to touch on that with John.

"Look, if you see any of them, just...tell me, ok? I really need to talk to Sawyer in particular." Jack stalked out. Locke smirked.

"Sure thing, Jack!"

He went back to his magazine. Several minutes after Jack had left, Locke rose and made his way to the computer room. He sat before the monitor and began to type. The blocky font scrolled across the screen:

SHEPPARD ON THE MOVE – SCRAMBLE FOR PICKUP A.S.A.P.

**To Be Continued**


	5. No Talking To The Participants!

**Chapter 5: No Talking To The Participants!**

Sawyer awoke groggily and discovered with a surge of terror that he was blind. He waved his hands in front him and rubbed his eyes vigorously for a moment, then realized that no, he wasn't blind, just in a very dark area.

"Kate?" He called in a loud whisper. "Kate! Ana! You guys here?"

No answer. He pawed around in the darkness. "Kate!"

Then he heard voices. There were several of them, communicating sharply to each other. Stealthily (well, as stealthy as one can be on one's hands and knees) He moved forward, straining to see into the darkness.

Up ahead there was a faint spot of light. As he moved towards it, it got brighter and brighter until he was almost on top of it, and then suddenly wham! He hit a wall. He lay on his back, reeling, and then slowly sat back up.

It was a corner he'd bumped into. Around the corner, there was another room which was dimly lit by a fire. There were four people in the room. One was on their knees, hands bound behind their back, another was in front of the kneeler, pointing something at them. Two others were facing each other and bickering about something, and the fourth person was standing prone, not really part of the conversation, but very much a part of the situation.

"...she's a troglodyte and we don't want her part of it!" One of the bickering figures was saying in an instantly obnoxious voice.

"You can't kill her; she's part of the game! She signed a contract!" The other retorted. "Quit letting your pettiness get in the way, we're overseers, not murderers!"

"No! I'm calling a blackball, and she's _it_!"

"Are you stupid?? You can't blackball her, you're not _authorized_!"

"She makes me sick and I want her DEAD."

Sawyer had by now summed up the players. The one who was insistent someone should die was a blonde woman in a dark sweatshirt. One hand was balled up and resting on her hip and the other hand flailed in the other person's face. The second person was a young man with glasses who was obviously intimidated by the woman, but was bravely keeping his stance in the conversation.

The person kneeling was a confused and chagrined Ana Lucia. The person in front of Ana was a young man with a gun. He didn't seem to have much of a part in the conversation, but he also was certainly part of the situation.

"...Kill her."

The blonde ordered. The spectacled young man stepped in front of the gunman.

"No! Wait! Listen...ok, listen, just, please, listen." He exhaled and searched for his words. The blonde tapped her toe impatiently. "Ok, look, Lindsey, you need to calm down, ok? Because first of all, as I remember this is supposed to be a covert operation and second of all, we never _agreed_ that anyone else was going to die until Michael gets back. Besides, faction operatives cannot interfere in the deciding process, it's in The Book."

"I told you, I've taken the Martial Pass. We don't _need_ your book."

"Ok...that is so freaking Un-American, Lindsey."

Lindsey scoffed and threw him a "screw you" look.

"Now, if Ana dies, it will totally screw up the balance. We need Kate for Sawyer, Ana's the perfect third wheel in that relationship, we also need her for the Jack/Kate dynamic, if it comes down to a fight – which I guaran-damn-tee you it will – we'll need someone who can take Kate on, and Ana's the point man – I mean _woman_."

Lindsey stared at the young man coldly. She glanced at Ana icily for a moment, then back at the young man.

"Fine. You want a dynamic? Throw in Danielle. I DON'T CARE. Just put the bitch out of her misery."

"Alright, you know what??" Visibly pissed, Ana started to get to her feet. The gunman pushed her back down.

"You know," said the young man irritably, "I think someone needs a time out, 'cause you are getting way out of line, Linds."

"No! _You're_ out of line, Dawson!" Lindsey pressed her finger into Dawson's chest. "You wouldn't know a thing about it but this is bigger than you –"

"What the _hell_ is going on here?" _Another_ player entered the room, a dark haired girl whom Sawyer guessed to be in her early to middle 20ies. She stared at the four people in the room, apparently quite taken aback at what was happening.

"What the hell is she doing here?" A startling silence followed the dark haired girl's words. Lindsey pursed her lips.

"Are you guys kidding me? What happened?" The dark haired girl seemed utterly stunned and bewildered.

"Ask Lindsey." Dawson accused. The dark haired girl stared at Lindsey expectantly.. Lindsey didn't say anything. Her demeanor was that of a busted person.

The dark haired girl's words were short and stern. "You're out, Lindsey."

Dawson made a tiny victorious motion with a clenched fist. Lindsey remained in apathetic silence.

"Now what are we gonna do about her?" The dark haired girl asked, staring down a bewildered Ana Lucia. "You realize what you've done?? Thanks to your stunt, she _knows_!"

"Oh yeah, I know," spoke the peeved Latina on the floor, "I know you guys are nuttier than I thought."

"Shut up." Lindsey snapped.

"This is great. This is wonderful." The dark haired girl said, flailing her arms. " Dawson, get her (she pointed to Ana) to Infirmary nine and send a message over the private comm line, we've got a MAJOR change of plans. Angelo (she looked to the guy with the gun), Lindsey, I wanna talk to you two, _get_ in my office."

With reluctant obedience, the two followed the dark haired girl to another room. The young man – Dawson, turned to Ana and helped her up.

"I'm really sorry – "

"_No talking to the participants!_" The dark haired girl yelled from the other room. Dawson whispered quickly in Ana's ear. "Clearly Lindsey's a fruitcake, they don't screen these people." And quickly moved her into another room.

Sawyer retreated back into the darkness and leaned against the wall. He exhaled, taking in all he'd just seen, and then finally said succinctly and with a stunned breath:

"What the hell?!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oy!"

Kate jolted awake. Someone was in her room. The lights clicked on in a brilliant flash, temporarily blotting Kate's vision with dozens of little colorful dots. Someone walked across the room, rolled something across the floor nearby Kate and put a flat white object on it.

When the purple and orange spots in her vision had subsided, Kate saw she was lying on a bed. There was a table nearby with a plate of hot food on it.

The door closed as the deliverer made their exit.

Kate stared at the plate. Scrambled eggs, an English Muffin with butter and jelly, a cup of hot coffee and a packet of Sweet'n'Low.

Kate didn't know whether to dig in or seriously consider that someone was trying to poison her.

Then it dawned on her: Sawyer wasn't with her.

Instead of burying her face in the food (oh, god, real, hot, manmade food and a cup of real, hot coffee!) she left the bed and went to the door. She knocked tentatively a few times and called for somebody, but no one answered. Finally, she gave up, went back to sit on the bed and contemplated the food.

A hot English Muffin with real butter and jelly. _Diary products_. Her mouth watered. Slowly, her hand went to the set of plastic silverware.

Then she heard a "Psst!"

Startled, she moved her hand away from the food tray as if it had shocked her. She turned. The "Psst!" had come from the wall.

"_Psst! Kate!_"

Sawyer! She got up and pressed her hands against the wall.

"Sawyer?? Where are you, I can hear you!"

"Down here!"

"What?"

"_Down here!_"

Kate got to her stomach. Down here she felt a cool breeze. She found herself crawling underneath the bedframe, and coming eye to eye with a breezy hole in the base of the wall. She peered through.

"Sawyer?"

Sawyers hot breath blasted suddenly into her face.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, what about you?"

"I'm wonderful, I'm all up to date with my favorite soaps – how do you think I am?!"

Kate frowned.

"Geez, sorry. Where's Ana Lucia?"

"They took her."

"Who?"

"Some...people. Others, I don't know."

"Is she ok?"

There was a pause.

"I think so. One of them wanted to kill her, but another one stopped 'em."

"Oh my god, do you think –"

Just then there were voices on Sawyers side. Suddenly, Sawyer had left the hole and now she could hear him yelling at someone who was yelling right back at him. Suddenly there was the sound of blows being hurled. Someone fell and brought something crashing to the ground. Grunts and blows falling followed. Kate stared wide-eyed, horrified to imagine what might be happening to Sawyer. When the noise had subsided, she heard footsteps, then hot breath blew into her ear again.

"If you don't tell us what we want to know, your boyfriend dies."

**To Be Continued **


	6. A Friendly Push

**Author's Note: **So clearly I went a little overboard with the ridiculous acronyms, but whatever, this is a farce, obviously. :P I love you guys for the reviews thus far. (also, if anyone has more ideas for shipper group acronyms, do let me know :P) 

**Chapter 6: A Friendly Push **

Jennifer, the Supreme Headmistress of the James (Sawyer) Ford Hussies Sub-Council, who also happened to be the Skater "We Got Wheels!" Coalition Representative, as _well_ as The Ana Lucifer Cortez Hate League forum moderator, not to _mention_ the Coordinator of Club Activities for the Jawyer "You're The Closest Thing To A Friend I Got" Slasher's Committee, was standing importantly in front of a massive plaque of a black horse, addressing members of K.A.T.I.E (the Kate AusTen InitiativE), a hard core group of people who might have, in a past life, been seen at a Comic-Con convention.

"As you all know, thanks to our inside informant, we have the latest information on the situation with Kate. According to our sources, it's confirmed that the S.P.C is planning aggressive maneuvers against her in an effort to eliminate ship competition."

Shock and horror went through the room like a lightning bolt.

"As we speak," Jennifer went on, "the S.P.C (Sana Pairing Counsel) holds a strategic meeting planning their next move. As always, we're gonna be two steps ahead of them."

Jennifer paused for a moment, distracted by a beeping from her Verizon Chocolate. After a moment, she looked at her audience.

"According to an instant message received at 22:32, we have unfortunately lost Lindsey, whose charisma and energy was invaluable to this organization's efforts. She will be missed. Her loss, however, will not deter us from our mission. With The Black Horse and destiny on our side, we will prevail! "

The room was awash with an air of self-satisfaction. No one was more tactically organized than the K.A.T.I.E.'s. Being members of well established ships, psychological maneuvers against the up-and-coming Sawyer/Ana/Jack affiliated factions on the island would be no problem.

Jennifer went on to elaborate on how they would save Kate from the nefarious plot against her life. Action on that front would be addressed only as soon as their informant returned from the S.P.C meeting. Meanwhile, actions had been taken to further the immediate process of bringing Kate and Sawyer together. With Sawyer and Kate temporarily separated, the security risk had just been upped. Nothing could be allowed to go wrong.

After a lengthy conference regarding the sensitive, top-level, highly classified shippy plans of the Initiative, the meeting adjourned.

* * *

"So clearly, we have a situation." Carol, the dark-haired Jungle Assault Platoon Warrant Officer of The Rambina Coalition, who also daylighted as the specialized coordinator of the PB&J Beach Club, as _well_ as the moderator of the Jawyer Fan-Fiction Association, was saying before a congregation of G.A.M.S (Guns And MangoeS), who were mainly A.L.C Faction members and James (Sawyer) Ford Hussies.

"Because of Lindsey's _stupidity_, Ana Lucia knows."

The room began to buzz.

"I don't know exactly how much she knows, but if I know Lindsey's galaxy sized trap, it's probably quite a bit. So!" The dark-haired girl sat. "The question I pose to you, distinguished members of G.A.M.S is whether we go forward with the obvious – brainwash her and continue with Plan A, or..." Carol grinned slightly, "do we let her in on everything?"

There was a brief silence, then Megan, the portly A.L.C Faction Rep spoke: "You've usually got good ideas, Carol, I'm listening."

Carol pushed away some of her dark locks from her face and folded her arms. "Since we're absolutely gonna wipe her memory _anyway_, here's my idea. We tell Ana Lucia we have some big plans for her. What, we'll remain vague, but she absolutely has to contemplate the fact that despite his attitude, Sawyer really does care about her. Then, we'll point out several things about her incredibly complex psychological relationship with Sawyer, nothing too buttery, she'll see right through that, just a few things that she already knows made a little more apparent for her. When you boil down the chicken-fat, these guys don't really know who they're supposed to be with! That's why we're here, to guide them. It only takes a little shove to make the truth obvious to the oblivious. After that, we'll give her a selective memory wipe, and let fate take its course."

The room was filled with heartily bobbing heads. It was true. The Losties really didn't have a clue.

"Of course," Carol continued, "we still need to address the Kate problem."

The room bobbed solemnly.

"I think its obvious Kate is detrimental to Sawyer's character." Said Carol, unconsciously clenching a fist. "She's a self-centered klutz and frankly, I don't know why she's even here. Seriously, who was in charge of Oceanic's ticket assignment? Anyone??" Carol eyed her audience suspiciously. "Well, anyway, doesn't matter, because by the end of this week, Kate's credibility in Sawyer's eyes will be completely destroyed. We'll use Kate indefatigable perfectness to drive an iron stake between _that_ unlikely pairing, and bring Ana and Sawyer closer than ever."

A series of pleased smirks went through the audience.

"You're a champion among shippers, Carol." Said Megan proudly, and initiated applause. Indeed, Plan B _was_ better than Plan A, and not only that, it would really stick it to those Skaters once and for all!

One person in particular applauded quite loud, attempting to compensate for the fury burning in her die-hard Skater soul.

**To Be Continued**


	7. Enter The Hot, Laconic Arab Guy

**Author's Notes: **Sorry about the long waiting. I'm being lazy about updating my fics, unfortunately. Here be chapter seven! Eight on the way...I hope. :P**  
**

**Chapter 7:**

**Enter The Hot, Laconic Arab Guy **

Feeling quite exasperated with society and people in general, Jack marched along a jungle path, not really caring, at this point, where he was going. Previously, he had gone over to Sayid's tent where he had found Sayid fixing his tarp for the umpteenth time. Sayid had made it clear that he really didn't care what Sawyer, Ana and Kate were up to and that contrary to popular knowledge, he did indeed have a life.

"Well, clearly I don't, Sayid." Jack had said in a peeved sort of way. "I'm just saying, I think – I wish people would _try_ to take an interest. It's gonna be my fault if someone wanders off into the jungle and doesn't come back."

The Iraqi had attempted to put a word in, but Jack had cut him off.

"Who'll they blame, Sayid?? The guy who takes charge, the guy with the khaki backpack, the guy who _fixes_ people, dammit!"

If he had been 5 years old, Jack might have stamped the ground. Sayid had blinked peculiarly.

"Alright, Jack, I apologize, I shall try to take an interest."

"Thank you."

"If I find out they're having a threesome in the jungle, I'll let you know."

Still thoroughly pissed, Jack came to a stop in a grassy clearing. He stood there, looking around for a moment, feeling as if he had popped out of a bad dream. He didn't recognize anything. He was lost. What else was new? Somewhere between thinking about The Three Amigos and Sayid's patronizing comments, Jack had taken a wrong turn. The trees were covered with algae. The grass was thick and green, and the sky was a queer shade of blueish-orange. A strange grey cliff rose over the jungle canopy beyond the horizon.

"I don't remember any of this." Jack said to himself. "Damn."

He turned and decided to try to retrace his steps.

Four minutes later, being unsuccessful in getting anywhere near the right path, it occurred to him that Kate would be an excellent guide. Kate didn't get lost, she was interesting like that. She was a little clumsy, but she was pretty and had nice hair and a sexy voice and man, was she a great kisser –

Before he knew what was happening, someone had shot him in the neck with a dart and a thunderous roaring filled his ears. Jack collapsed in a heap.

* * *

Locke looked around the circular domain of The Dome with a faint sense of pleasure. It reminded him of how far he had come from his crummy old job at the box company. He thought of how much he'd love to cram his new job up the ass of that snide higher-up tyke he had the misfortune of working for, but after a moment decided that he was much more mature than that. 

Besides, there were more important things to think about. Locke eyed the computer.

Sayid sauntered into the room, looking like a man about to ask for something.

"Hello Sayid."

"Hello Locke. Are you busy?"

"Not right now, no. What's going on?"

"I need you to help me find Sawyer, Ana Lucia and Kate."

Locke looked concerned. "Are they still missing?"

Sayid nodded. "Jack came to me awhile ago, asking about Sawyer. I was a little harsh on him, I suppose...but he's right, it's the responsibility of each and every one of us to make sure the other is safe."

Locke nodded slowly. "So, where's Jack now?"

"I haven't seen him for an hour now. Perhaps he's at his tent."

"Or maybe he went after them."

Sayid frowned. "Possibly. It isn't very bright to go out gallivanting alone in the jungle."

"Tell me about it." Said Locke. "Alright, I'll come with you. See if you can grab Hurley, someone needs to watch the computer. Let me get a few things before I join you."

Sayid nodded and left. Locke returned to the computer. Two succinct sentences were on the black screen:

SHEPPARD COLLECTED.

UPDATES ON YOUR FRONT?

Locke set his fingers to the board and began to type:

WE'RE COMING IN.

**To Be Continued**


	8. WTF?

**Notes: **Despite what you're thinking, no, this fic didn't get lost in the wash. :P Do R&R please! I love to read your reactions! Even if they're much like the title of this chapter. :P

**Chapter 8: WTF? **

Ana was sitting on a hard spring mattress face/palming. This day couldn't possibly get any better. She had been drugged twice, moved to equally crappy rooms twice, and now she had been disarmed of her trusty pocketknife. It didn't help that she was hungry and that the bad guys had left her with a tray of rather tasty looking food. No way was she going to eat _that_, though. The crazy people had brought _milk_, despite the fact that she had a milk _allergy_. Clearly a badly camouflaged attempt to cripple her with indigestion. And God knows what poisons lay beneath the surface of that apple-raisin Danish.

Outside the door, she heard footsteps. From the cadence, she gathered about two or three people. Presently, keys jangled and the door opened. In stepped Megan, Carol, Eric (an Initiative Representative of the Social Sciences Sector) and Kiri Camille, who gawked at Ana Lucia with the curiosity of a medical intern.

Carol spoke first, with a friendliness that made Ana lean back an inch or two.

"Ana Lucia Cortez! It's an honor to finally meet you."

* * *

On the other side of the spectrum, Kate languished away in her room, her mind obsessed with picturing scenarios of all the horrible things that might be happening to Sawyer. 

Right about the time she began to contemplate the terrible things that could be accomplished with electroshock leads and baby oil, the door opened. In stepped Jennifer, accompanied by two K.A.T.I.E's, Jessica and McKay.

Immediately Kate went on the offensive, springing up from the bed and demanding with all the authority she could muster:

"What the hell have you done with Sawyer?"

* * *

On yet another side of the spectrum, Sawyer sat in a dim study on a rather comfortable leather settee, blinking in bewilderment. Truly, this had been a peculiar day...or evening, such as it was, he really didn't know since his captors had not provided him with a watch. 

It's not as if they wouldn't have watches, he began to think, if they have stun darty doohickeys and surveillance cameras, they might as well have a Timex or two in their possession. And just what was it with them cameras? What was that all about? Raising an eyebrow to himself, he hoped the Others weren't up to nothin' kinky.

Just then, the study door opened, and a curious looking character in a black hoodie hurried inside, checking once or twice outside of the door and then closing and locking it. The character hurried over to Sawyer and stood in front of him.

"You're Sawyer, right?" spoke a teenaged girl's voice from under the hoodie.

"That's what they keep calling me," said Sawyer. "Who the hell're you?"

"Who I am isn't important. Who you are is. You're in some serious poo, friend. We need to get out of here before those crazy shippers find out I've come."

"Hold it—what? _Shippers_? This some kind of joke??"

"Do I _look_ like I'm joking to you??"

Sawyer couldn't tell if she _wasn't_, since she had that silly hoodie pulled halfway down her head.

The Hooded Girl pulled Sawyer up. "Let's go, there isn't much time."

Sawyer pulled back, his voice rising to falsetto indignation. "Hold on now—I ain't going _nowhere_ with you, who the hell ARE you?? And take this—stupid hoodie off--!'

Before The Hooded Girl could do anything about it, Sawyer had darted around her and yanked the hoodie down. A surprised teenager with a shock of dark hair stood blinking in a rather betrayed fashion at him. She tossed her dark mane indignantly.

"I sure wish you hadn't done that James. You know—you don't understand the kind of people you're dealing with."

Sawyer sneered. "No, I _know_ who I'm dealing with. A kid, apparently, what's your name?"

"James, you really need to listen to –"

"No, I'm through listenin' to people tellin' me what to do, I want to know where Kate and Ana are, damnit!

The Hooded Girl didn't say anything. She just gazed pitifully at Sawyer.

"Awright, if you ain't gonna say 'nothin, you ain't much help to me, are you?" Sawyer wandered, grumbling, back to the couch. Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks and turned around, glaring at The Hooded Girl.

"Wait a sec...what did you call me?"

"What?"

"You said 'James'. Why did you call me James?"

The Hooded Girl looked, for the tiniest bit of a second, caught, then, almost casually, she shrugged.

"Nuh-uh, don't shrug off on me, kiddo, you called me James. What's goin' on? Why're you here, is something going down?"

"Yeah, Sawyer. Something _is_ going down." She took a step forward. "You ready to listen now?"

Sawyer hadn't been taking this kid and her hoodie the least bit seriously. But something inside told him that he could trust her...hoodie and all. Slowly...hesitantly...Sawyer nodded.

"Yeah. I'm ready."

* * *

Late in the evening, Sayid, outfitted with one of the guns from the armory and a backpack, marched purposefully down a jungle path with Locke at his heels. 

"Slow down, Sayid, where's the fire?" Locke complained, huffing and puffing as he tried to keep up.

"You're not serious?" Sayid flashed a surprised glare at Locke. "Half of our people are missing and you're not the least bit concerned that time is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand?"

"Well, you didn't seem very gung-ho about it before."

Sayid shrugged. "I hadn't thought much about it before. You know how hysterical Jack gets over little things. I've become numb to it."

Locke giggled.

"Hold it!" Sayid stopped abruptly, holding one hand to stop Locke and holding the other on his weapon for good measure. "I think I heard something."

"What?"

"I don't know...it sounded like..."

"...a group of shippers lying in wait to take you off to their secret lair in the jungle?"

Sayid stared at Locke.

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm sorry too, Sayid. Don't worry. Everything has a purpose. Everything changes. That's why we're here after all."

Before a bewildered Sayid could say anything, someone had crept up from behind him and shocked him with a stun baton. As Sayid fell, convulsing, to the ground, he looked up at Locke and said between spasms:

"Locke..._why_?"

The last thing Sayid saw was a sinister smirk creeping up the sides of Locke's mouth, and then everything faded to blackness.

**To Be Continued**


	9. At Least We Can Agree On That

**Author's Notes**: Wow, I know it's been some time since this has been updated. I've lost my home net connection, so I'm going nuts down here too, LOL. Anyway, a friend of mine who's been keeping up with this fic by taking illegal peeks on my computer suggested that I write a small recap so folks who are just dropping in will know what's going on and feel less LOST. Also, they may feel encouraged to comment more. HINT HINT. :-P

**The Others** – are shippers. Duh. The Sana and Skate factions been plotting to get their respective heroines together with Sawyer. Now each faction has captured their heroine, and they've got plans for 'em. Muaha.

**Jack** – Has been captured by the Others. His role will come into big play later. (Expect some Jana. ;) )

**Sawyer** – Has found himself the captive of the Others, and is now being helped by a mysterious Hooded Girl who seems to know a lot about him and the island. Hmmm, wonder what her role will be later??????

**Kate & Ana** – are captives, as mentioned. This chapters all about them and shippy nefariousness.

**Locke** – is involved. :P

**Chapter 9: At Least We Can Agree On That**

Ana Lucia Cortez had experienced some weird things in her life. She had come to the point where she wasn't fazed by much anymore. Her conclusion was, lots of people weren't that smart. Lots of people talked too much. Lots of people were full of Grade A Crap. Some folks were full of Grade A Crazy. Others...

Well, _then_ there were the _Others_.

For a moment, time had stopped for Ana, and she was trying to remember how she had ended up in this situation. It had all come surging back to her. A quiet day spent on the beach had turned into another half cracked mission to get off the island. At least, that's what that Austen girl had alledged. No doubt all that stuff about the medical station was a phony ruse to get her stuck out here. And surely, Kate's general attitude had to be exaggerated. Because nobody who was for real would be picking up random music boxes lying conspicuously in the middle of the jungle.

"All roads to Screwed lead back to the brunette." Ana thought begrudgingly.

* * *

Back in Kate's room, Jennifer regarded Kate patiently, and whispered to one of the K.A.T.I.E's to hand her something. McKay procured a small PDA device, which Jennifer activated and handed to Kate. 

"I think you'll find this interesting, Miss Austen."

Warily, Kate took the PDA. On the small screen was footage—apparently surveillance camera footage—of Ana Lucia talking with several people.

"What is this?" Kate demanded. "What are you people doing to Ana?"

"I think the more appropriate question is: What is Ana doing _with_ those people?" Jennifer replied wryly.

"Well that's pretty obvious, she's being held _hostage_!" Kate said incredulously. Honestly, just how stupid did people think she was?

"Is she really?" Jennifer said, crossing her arms. "Tell me honestly, Kate, what's wrong with this picture?"

Kate glanced at the PDA. "What do you mean?"

"Take a good look! Why isn't Ana complaining or yelling or threatening to punch people like she usually does? She's sitting quietly..._listening_...looking _interested_..."

It _did_ seem odd.

"And _now_ look!" Jennifer flailed at the screen. Onscreen, one of the people was patting Ana on the shoulder...and now Ana was smiling in her wry sort of way.

"Does that _look_ like someone being held hostage to you??"

"Lady," Kate stated cynically, "why should I believe anything you say?"

Jennifer sat down beside Kate. "You shouldn't. But you need to understand that there are people here that don't hold your best interests at heart. People within my group...and within _your_ group."

Kate smirked. "Oh, really? So what are you saying, Ana Lucia's working with the Others?"

"Hey, you said it, not me."

"That's ridiculous! Why would she be doing that? HOW would she be doing that, all she ever does is sulk around the camp."

"Have you ever heard of _undercover_ cops, Austen? Open your eyes, the bitch has been playing you from day one."

Kate was astonished. It was hard to wrap her mind around that. Mild-Mannered...wait, make that Medium-Mannered Ana Lucia whateverherlastnameis was working as an undercover informant for the Others? After all her Anti-Others speeches and plots of war with Jack...she would betray them like _this_?

No way!

"But—but what does all this have to do with me—and—and where's Sawyer, you people said—"

"We had to maintain our cover or Sana—I mean Ana's people might have gotten suspicious. They're _everywhere_. For whatever reason, Kate, you and Sawyer are a threat to her and to her people. They mean to take you both down. So right now, you need to decide who you trust."

Jennifer leaned in confidentially. "Whatever you decide, believe this, Kate: _We're_ the good guys."

* * *

By now, Ana had heard it all. Never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined that there were actually organizations on this damned place that were pulling an _Emma_ and trying to stick her with that TV obsessed hick Sawyer, let alone actually _coordinating efforts_ on the island to bring them _together_. It was all pretty funky...but they _seemed_ like nice people. A little on the wacky side, but nice. 

"...I've really admired your gumption thus far, Ana Lucia." Carol was saying to the suspicious Latina. "I truly believe that nobody would have made it this far on the island without you to keep things moving and interesting. The Suck-Factor has diminished significantly since you've become active in this project."

"There's this theory," Megan began with a contemptuous eye roll, "that you're like the _Kate_ of the Tailies."

"The Kate of the what?" Ana's brow knitted.

"The Tailies—you guys, Eko, Libby, the tail enders on the plane—anyway, that theory is BS, clearly, because you are in no way like that whiny, moronic ditz, not to mention you have nicer hair, and you can take care of yourself! I mean, if there was a kickass-o-meter in this room, _right now_, it'd be seriously off the scale."

Ana, not one to succumb to unnecessary flattery, frowned suspiciously.

"Awright, hold on guys, Kate's not _that_ bad—"

Ana's words were met by a chorus of scoffs and sneers.

"C'mon, guys, this is crazy, I mean, you're not actually serious about all this...Anti...what was it now? Skeeter?"

"Skater."

"Skater stuff. Are you?"

"Of course we are."

"Listen, A-L, " Carol brushed Megan aside, "all that's really not important. What we want you to understand, Ana, is that you are the glue –"

* * *

"—that keeps the people on this island together." Jennifer was saying to Kate. "What you need to get, Miss Austen, is that there are people who wish to undo that delicate fabric, at the expense of this project, and most of all, at YOUR expense. There are forces at work beyond even our control." Jennifer leaned in confidentially. "People are out for you, Kate. Dangerous –"

* * *

"—insane people," Carol continued, "With no regard for character or inherent awesomeness, such as that which you possess. I'm going to tell you right now, if they could, we'd be sitting here watching re-runs of Days of Our Lives, and I kid you not." Carol straightened her posture and crossed her arms. "We're here to help you Ana."

* * *

"But we can't do it alone, Kate."

* * *

"You, at some point, need to step up –"

* * *

"And realize that –"

* * *

"—everything that you've gone through up till this point has been singularly engineered for the purpose of bringing you and Sawyer together!" 

Ana blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

* * *

"Wait, back up," said Kate, frowning. "When did this become about Sawyer, I thought Ana was pulling some kind of double agent-y thing and trying to kill me...?" 

"She is! That's why Sawyer's so important! She and her people know Sawyer is your weak link.

"Hey! Weak link??"

"Let me re-word that. You _care_ about him."

Kate wasn't going to deny that...but yet: "So??"

"Would you _die_ for him?" asked one of the K.A.T.I.E's most seriously.

"Die for him!" Kate seemed surprised at such a question. "Well I don't—"

"Be honest Kate."

Kate thought about it. She looked at Jennifer. The K.A.T.I.E's expectant eyes regarded her. Kate decided to try and sidetrack without actually answering such a shocking and personal question. "Well I—I think Sawyer can be...decent, when he wants to be. He's kinda obn_oxious_, but most guys _are_."

* * *

"Awright, so he's kinda cute," said Ana nonchalantly, "He's got that hillbilly thing going for him, but me and him? _Nahh_. "

* * *

"Is he sexy?" Kate abruptly went into a giggle fit. "Hell yeah!"

* * *

"But you know I would never admit that to anyone..._at the camp_. You follow me?"

* * *

"Believe it or not, I've always kind of gone for the geeks. Sawyer wears glasses but...I think it's a façade." Kate sighed sadly.

* * *

"The Doc's kinda hot, too, now, don't forget the Doc."

* * *

"He's a _great_ kisser."

* * *

"He does have nice those nice hands. Gotta keep 'em pretty for when they're sewing up a left ventricle or whatever, I guess."

* * *

"And has gorgeous eyes."

* * *

"Sawyer's got a nicer butt, though." Ana smirked. "In my _opinion_..." she added when Megan rolled her eyes doubtfully.

* * *

"And then there's Sawyer's dimple factor." Kate added, grinning broadly.

* * *

"Hold on—let's forget about the Marlboro Man for a second. Why don't you give it to me slow, gals." Said Ana, leaning forward conspiratorially, "_What exactly is it that you're tryin' to do_?"

* * *

Jennifer and the K.A.T.I.E's shared a look. Then they turned to Kate. 

"We want you to get rid of Ana-Lucia Cortez," said Jennifer.

"For the greater good," said Jessica.

"For the greater good," echoed McKay.

* * *

"Let me get this straight," said Ana, frowning, "you want to 'eliminate' Kate to get rid of 'competition' for this imaginary 'relationship' you're trying to create with me and Sawyer? Are you kidding me?! That'll never work!" 

"I have a feeling," said Megan with a peculiar grin, "that pretty soon, you're going to be just as on board with this project as we are." She put a hand on Ana's shoulder. "Call it..._fate_."

Before Ana knew what was happening, Carol had injected her with something and the world was rapidly turning black. The last sound she heard before she faded out of consciousness was the click of the closing door.

The K.A.T.I.E's and ALC Faction reps adjourned to their private shipper lounges for further discussion of the days events. 

LATER, IN THE SANA LOUNGE:

"So, we expected this." Megan was snapping the tab on a can of Red Bull. "She's in denial. Of course, we know how to get around that one. Like we were saying at the last meeting—what do these guys really _know_?"

"Exactly," someone concurred. "She needs to realize that Ana Lucia gets what she wants. And Ana Lucia wants Sawyer."

"But," said an unwelcome skeptic in the room, "if Ana Lucia gets what she wants...and she wants Sawyer...why should we have to help her realize what she already knows that she...wants?"

Eyes rolled in the skeptics direction.

"Ana wants Sawyer," pronounced a believer. "And Kate gets in the way. Thus, Kate needs to get on down the road."

"And that's exactly what we're gonna help her do," spoke another believer.

"Exactly."

"Exactly!"

MEANWHILE, IN THE SKATER LOUNGE

Jennifer poured herself a Jamba Juice and took a long refreshing sip. "I don't think it's possible for this plan to get any better. Seriously, unless someone has some ideas that exceed the already perfect awesomeness of this plan."

"Well, " someone began, "we could do one of those Dark Angel things and inject her with something that makes her allergic to Sawyer, and when she's alone with him one night she'll realize—"

Someone groaned.

"Oh, would you stop it with your Dark Angel obsession!"

"It's a cult classic!"

"It's cult _crap_!"

"Everyone _quiet_." Jennifer glared. "Anyway, small side-note, as perfect as this plan is, there _could_ be a problem."

The room blinked quizzically.

"It's the _Jaters_, people! They're not exactly going to appreciate us brainwashing Kate for Skater-ish purposes."

"I know _I_ object," someone interjected.

"Oh frak, Jater among us," said a snarky voice.

"Wait, I thought we were brainwashing _Sawyer_," said another.

"Well, we are," explained Jennifer, "that is, as soon as we get access to him. Those damn Jawyer's have him right now. But we don't have to worry about that yet. Right now, it's the Jaters we need to worry about. They're going to be up in arms if they find out about this."

"So what!?" another person exclaimed. "I'm sure they'll figure something out. They got Jack and Kate to kiss for no apparent reason, didn't they??"

"She kissed him because she was feeling torn between her desire for Sawyer's helpless manliness and Jack's asserted confidence! It was a very emotional day and she was going into hypoglycemic shock!"

"Blah blah, woof woof."

"AS I WAS SAYING." Jennifer said loudly, "The Jaters obviously won't appreciate the brainwashing, so, what're we gonna do? If we go ahead with the treatment, we might be destroying our alliance. Heck, they might team up with the _Sana_ people!"

The room, struck by horrified imagination, began to murmur.

"Exactly! So what we need to do right now, is formulate a—"

There were several quick raps on the door, and without waiting, the person on the other side pushed open the door.

It was Kiri Camille; the Junior Officer of the A.L.C. Faction and newly inaugurated Rambina Coalition Acolyte!

No one looked vaguely surprised. A little annoyed, maybe, but certainly not surprised. Kiri was a familiar face.

"Sorry to interrupt guys, the G.A.M.S people finally wrapped it up! Good _God_!"

**To Be Continued**


	10. Protocol 67

**Author's Notes**: I had so much fun with this chapter! I've never written real SHIP before, LOL!! I'm surprised it was Jana...

A SHORT RECAP

**The Skater Faction** – Is using surveillance footage of Ana Lucia to convince Kate that she is working with the Others to kill her. They want Kate to get rid of Ana for "The greater good." _But_, they have an ulterior plan for Kate – they want to brainwash her, and do a hypnosis thingie on her so she'll realize that she's meant to be with Sawyer 4 Eva!

**The Sana Faction** – Is carrying out their plan that they plotted out in "A Friendly Push" and telling Ana everything about who they are and who they're shipping her with. Also, they want her to get rid of Kate! Noes! _Also_, they're gonna brainwash her so she won't remember a lick of their conversation, and suddenly have an inexplicable attraction to a certain hot blonde Southerner...weeeevil.

**Also** – We found out that Kiri Camille, the Junior Officer of the A.L.C. Faction and newly inaugurated Rambina Coalition Acolyte, was a mole sent by the Skaters! Double Noes!! Now we know what lengths these guys'll stoop to! They probably have people everywhere! Grrr...

**Chapter 10: Protocol 67, Also Known As The Radar Love Technique **

Kiri Camille staggered over to a couch, where she gratefully accepted a Jamba Juice. "You wouldn't believe it! I had to sit through a whole two hours of endless Ana-gushing."

"Geez!"

"I'm telling you, if I'd bitten my tongue any harder, I'd have drawn freaking _blood_."

"You did good, hon."

"What did you hear??" asked Jennifer anxiously.

"Well." Kiri prolonged the suspense by taking a long drag of her Jamba Juice. "Basically, they've pulled out a Protocol 67. Ana should be going under within the day."

"Hey! They can't do that! _We're_ doing that!"

"Maybe someone can sneak into the Hypnosis Department, change the reels around and make Ana think she's in love with the polar bear!"

The room cracked up.

"Nothing on Sawyer then?" asked Jennifer, un-amused by the joke. Unlike many of her colleagues, Jennifer considered herself too mature for simple minded "Ana-Bashing". Anything she had to say would be put forth in an intellectual debate, and with loads of research, links and personal anecdotes to back it up.

"Besides hinting how much they're_--gag--_made for each other, nope."

"We've been discussing the consequences of performing Protocol 67 on Kate and Sawyer," someone said informatively to Kiri.

Kiri nodded. "So what's the word on that?"

"Personally," said Jennifer, "I don't see talks with Jate working out. It's every shipper for themselves, correct?"

"Every shipper _group_," someone corrected.

"As I'm sure we have our fair number of dual-shippers with us, I suppose it would be fair to put it to a vote."

"As a Jater AND Skater," someone began, "I personally wouldn't mind seeing how things with Sawyer, Kate AND Jack go. The girl deserves her mantourage. 'sides, a threesome'd be pretty hot."

"I vote for threesome!" another shipper yelled.

"Real Shippers Do It Like Skate! With a silent J!"

"Woodchips and Fish Biscuits!"

"All The Pretty PPL!"

"Alright!" Jennifer waved a silencing hand. "Since realistically, it'd be a waste of funding to spend any extra time on this particular debate, I consider the motion carried." Jennifer rose, straightening her shirt importantly. "Let's get a move on, ladies. I want Sawyer in the Hypno Department before dusk!"

MEANWHILE

Sayid lurched awake. He was lying on a hard cot in a rectangular room. It appeared to be some kind of holding room...or perhaps a room where some other shady sort of business took place. Looking towards the end of the room, Sayid spied a figure lying crumpled up on the floor. He slid off the cot and marched towards it, only to abruptly slam up against a transparent wall. Rubbing his nose, he stared incredulously at the oily smears on the glass.

Strange.

His attention went back to the crumpled figure, and he started banging the glass.

"Hey! You over there! Wake up!"

Slowly, the figure stirred. After a moment, Sayid realized it was Jack! Jack stood slowly, rubbing his head.

"S...Sayid?"

"Over here Jack!"

Jack glanced all around for a moment, and then noticed Sayid.

"What—what happened?"

"We've been kidnapped apparently. I don't remember much...I think Locke was with me."

"Locke? Is Locke here, is he okay?"

"I don't know. I think...I actually think he did this to me."

"What??"

"Yes...he said something about...shippers –"

"Shippers??"

"I don't know...it all happened so quickly. Someone shocked me with a taser. How did you get here?"

"I blacked out. Next thing I know, I'm waking up with a..." Jack groaned, clasping his head, "...monster headache."

"Stand back. I'm going to try to smash this window in." Sayid took a few steps backwards.

"Wait!" Jack approached. "I think I see a door on your side. There's a wheel, try turning it."

Sayid, seeing the wheel, complied. He tried laboriously for a while, but the wheel refused to budge. "No use. See if there's one on your side."

Jack checked. There was a door with a wheel, but he got the same result.

"It's stuck. Or locked."

Sayid slumped down on a cot. Jack paced around his area. By the hue of red Jack's face was gradually turning, and the little beads of sweat collecting around his furrowed brow, Sayid deduced that Jack was probably furiously dwelling on some insignificant matter. He was about to calm Jack down in advance when suddenly the Doctor flailed his hands and said:

"I can't believe this! I can't believe Locke would do this! After I trusted him!"

Sayid sighed. He figured he'd have to sit down for this one. "Yeah, people can be bloody dumbasses sometimes."

"Then he goes and betrays us! I wonder how long he's been working with them. Probably since day one. Maybe _he's_ the informant. He's been living with us, just biding his time until he can pull this little _stunt_." Jack hit the wall with a fist. "I knew I shouldn't have trusted him. I knew he was a liar! 'No Jack, we need to push the button! The world will explode if we don't push the button Jack! Let Sayid make Henry Gale Dismembered Finger Casserole; it's our only hope Jack!'"

Jack suddenly glared at Sayid. "And _you_! I'll bet you've been in on the whole thing, haven't you!"

Sayid looked surprised at the sudden attack on his character. "Me?? Jack, really, this is ridi—"

"Back at the camp you couldn't _give_ a damn and suddenly you wind up here in the same room with me?? You're probably working with _him_! _Tell_ me Sayid!" Jack charged up to the glass. "Tell me the truth! You two planned this, didn't you?! Nobody _zapped _you, did they; you're here because of _him_, aren't you?? You messing with my mind, Sayid? How many times have I helped you, Sayid? I thought we were _friends,_ Sayid!"

Sayid stared blandly at the foaming doctor. "Jack, you're getting your blood pressure up."

"AS IF YOU CARE ABOUT MY BLOOD PRESSURE! Why doesn't everybody stop LYING to me, and tell the goddamn truth for once in –"

Abruptly, a klaxon began to blare.

Sayid sighed heavily. "Saved by the bell," he thought with an eyeroll.

An automated female voice began to speak over the blaring horn. "_Containment area out of quarantine. Opening blast doors. Please stand back. Containment area out of quarantine. Opening blast doors. Please stand back_."

Jack watched as the wheel on the door began to spin. It spun and spun and spun until it clicked loudly. There was a hiss, and then the door slid back. Jack found himself staring down a hallway, lit by flickering lights.

"What is it, Jack? What's happening?" Sayid pressed his palms up against the glass curiously.

"It's a hallway," said Jack. "There's lights...and doors. I'm going down it."

"Jack, don't!"

Jack looked at Sayid. "I think _they_ want me to."

The men exchanged a look, and then Jack stepped out into the beckoning hallway. The walk down the corridor was long and unsettling. Jack tried each door along the way, but each one was locked...except the one labeled: "OBSERVATION ROOM B"

The knob twisted. Jack stepped inside. He found himself staring at a wall full of monitors, some displaying an image of several different rooms – looked like surveillance camera views—and some displaying shots of areas in hatches, including the Swan, and others were actual scenes from the _beach_! Libby and Hurley meandered past one of the cameras—that must have been mounted on a tree or something because it was high and at a tilt. On another, the Dome in the hatch was empty, and on another...well, on another.

On another, Sawyer and Kate were rather _preoccupied _with each other in what appeared to be some kind of small holding room. At first they were on each other on the wall, and then they made their way over to the bed, and then Sawyer was trying to get Kate's top off...

Jack stared in horror. His eyes simply could not avert themselves from the screen. After a moment, he felt a stabbing pain in his eyes – or was it his heart? And he blinked hard several times. He staggered backwards, out of the room and back into the hall. Uncertainly, he made his way down the hall, his eyes shimmering and unfocused like a man who had been stunned in the head with a baseball bat. He didn't try anymore doors. He was sick of doors. Doors were bad. There was always something bad behind a door.

Meanwhile, Ana-Lucia, who had just woken up from her blackout period several hours ago and was working off a persistent headache, heard a perplexing click at her door. The knob jerked mechanically. Curiously, she investigated. Sure enough, the knob turned. She pushed the door open, and just as she did, a man passing by slammed right into the opening door.

"Holy crap!" she exclaimed, and then stood still, watching the recoiling man and wondering whether she should help him out or _knock_ him out.

The man holding his throbbing head and cursing like a sailor was...Dr. Jack!

"Jack!" Ana exclaimed. Jack stared at her, holding his nose.

"Ana? What...what are you..." he seemed confused. Ana seemed confused too, and then suddenly, she smirked, folded her arms and remarked:

"Here to save me, Doctor Jack?"

Jack stared. "I...I guess I am. I mean...well, I was kind of kidnapped."

"Yuh huh. That tends to happen around here. Have you seen Kate??"

_Kate_. There was that stinging feeling again. Like his heart dying just a little bit, or maybe...his blood boiling? He wasn't sure. "Kate..." he said slowly, "No...I haven't—seen Kate."

And then before Ana knew what was happening, Jack threw her against the wall and all at once had her in the weirdest lip lock she had ever experienced. At first she fought against him, but then, without quite knowing why, she gave in.

Jack pushed against her, back into the room, and door number 42 closed behind them.

**To Be Continued...**


	11. Oh No You Di'int

**Author's Notes**: Apologies for the crappy Jana faction acronym. I couldn't think of anything! I don't ship Jana! ACK!

A SHORT **RE-CAP**

**The Skater Faction** – Has decided to also brainwash/hypnotize Sawyer, despite it clashing with Jater-ish plans. They want it done before dusk!

**Sayid** – Meanwhile, has awakened to find himself in the Medusa Holding Station with Jack!

**Jack** – Escapes the holding station when the door inexplicable opens, and he stumbles upon a room filled with surveillance monitors—one on which Skate sex is being had! NOES! Jack is horrified and leaves the room, only to find—

**Ana** – Who's been minding her own business in a cell just down the hall. Jack finds her, and...JANA MOMENT!

* * *

**Chapter 11: Oh No, You Di'int—and—Say What Naw??**

Juliet woke up to a sunny Saturday morning with lots to look forward to. She had planned to bake some cookies for the Relation-Shipper event going on down at the beach, a busy affair featuring lots of food, fun and fandom and then after the ensuing faction specific parties, she was going to update the Jana fan site with the latest news coming in from the Hydra. Today was an especially great day to be Janateer!

It was a plan that had been in production for a long time, since that first day Jack and Ana-Lucia had shared together on the beach, fulfilling a promised plane meeting that was sadly never to be. Something had just clicked for a lot of people right there. It was a ship that promised not to disappoint. Jana, (tentatively mottoed: "Fixing Me Fixing You"), provided things Jate simply couldn't provide for some people anymore, due to complications posed by the female of that ship that could only be fixed by either the resident Polar Bear, or some devastating humiliation that ostracized her for life.

Basically, Jana was a surefire hit for a small but intelligent group of islanders, who took advantage of the fact that not a lot of people noticed them, or were simply too busy making their own big important plans to notice the serious weaknesses in their strategy. Little moments of self-absorbed giddiness, such as that which the Sana people possessed, were perfect moments to strike fast and deadly, just like the Janateers had done three nights ago when the Sanateer's Hypno-Reels had come in.

It was a fiendishly simple plan and rather simple to execute, despite heavy Sana faction security. Really, it was kind of ridiculous, people needed a pass card and I.D for every damn thing. Anyway, an operative, armed with forged admission papers and I.D's, had slipped into the reel room, replaced the clips that were intended to forge a deeper Sana connection with clips that instead glorified Dr. Jack Shephard, slipped out, and then the faction had merely to stand back and witness Jana magic.

Juliet couldn't help but smile as she removed the first batch of Pecan Chocolate Cluster cookies from her oven. It was today, she knew, that in the underground Medusa Station, Sana operatives would be about due to discover the disastrous error with their hypno-reels. Humming, Juliet sashayed over to the marble counter where she began to arrange the steaming cookies in red and orange colored paper. She imagined how her shipping rivals would discover the error, and fantasized the order of events, with surprising accuracy.

The two operatives--_most likely girls since this really wasn't a job you could rely on a guy to undertake_--who worked Saturday's shift from morning until graveyard, would wake up that morning, check their IM's and the action on their various forums. They would then get dressed, outfit themselves with their various I.D's and semi-lethal ordnance and embark on the morning submarine en route for the Hydra Station. Once there, they would grab their call sheets for the individual duties they would be assigned to that day--but nothing would be done before they did their standard reel check in the Sana sector.

The door to the reel room would open, and an operative would unlock the reel box, first checking the negatives, and then the final reel that would be sent down for post-production examination. The first operative would stare at the reels initially with confusion, then in horror, and exclaim: "HEY! These aren't the Sawyer clips Megan ordered! These are..."

"Jack!" the other operative would exclaim with disgust. The two girls would look at each other, and simultaneously overcome by the same infuriated thought exclaim: "_Jana_!"

* * *

Sawyer had gone through a lot for the past two days. His navigator, the intrepid Hoodie kid whose name he still didn't know, had led him safely out of the facility he had been trapped in, and now had seen fit to drag him around the island, all the while promising answers and escape. Oddly, she hadn't told him anything about "those other two gals", other than "they'll be awright." 

Today, the Hoodie girl took him to a cabin in a remote part of the island. Patiently enduring Sawyer's stream of cracks about hidden GAP departments and various other shopping outlets on Mystery Island, the Hooded Girl led the trek up a steep stone path into the inconspicuously built structure. It was small and stuffy and pretty heavily protected. Hoodie had quite an arsenal here, too. Mostly WWII materials, but a good deal less rusty than they should have been. What surprised Sawyer most, though, was Hoodie's possession of a Dell XPS laptop and an HP officejet all-in-one.

"Well hell, looks like I done crashed on the wrong damn side of the island." said Sawyer, folding his arms incredulously. "A little to the left and I could have been having internet access all this month." Hoodie didn't say anything, she just sat at the table, pounding away at the laptop and concentrating hard on the screen.

"Wouldn't happen to have a 60 inch and a couple of Thundercats copies 'round here, would you? Maybe some Hawaii Five-O? V.I.P.?"

Beeping and whirring came from the HP officejet all-in-one. Sawyer and Hoodie eagerly crowded around the machine as the paper bamped out. When the fax was complete, Hoodie snatched it out.

Sawyer peered over Hoodie's shoulder as she hunched, rapidly skimming the sheet. To his disappointment, the writing on the paper was in another language. Russian.

"What the hell's that, we in commie country now?!"

"It's a message from a military base several miles out of the island, we've been in contact for several months now. They won't be able to get a rescue fleet out here until next week. Bad weather. Damn! That's gonna be a problem."

"No, really? See, I thought we'd just about reached our quota of problems and bad weather. "

"Damnit, they've been having weather problems all month! It's those damn shippers, I just know it. They're probably jamming our signals, or messing with the environment gearbox. Those idiots don't even know what they're doing!" Hoodie clenched her fists.

Instead of asking what an "environment gearbox" was like he wanted to, Sawyer sighed and said, "When I have problems, I love blaming the corporations too sweetie, but look, you really gotta focus on the bigger picture here: tellin' me what the freakin' hell's goin' on!"

Hoodie flailed a dismissive hand in Sawyer's direction.

"Look James, if I told you, you wouldn't understand."

"Hey, don't underestimate this pretty face now, us bumpkins do try and get us some learnin' down south."

Hoodie stared. "It's complicated."

"So's the Iraq war, everyone and his mama's got an explanation for that one, now get crackin'!"

"FYI Mr. Bumpkin, it's Ee-raq, not Eye-rack."

Sawyer stared incredulously.

"Well thanks so much, _Hoodie McWordperfect_. For your info, I'm gonna say it however the hell I want to, _girlie_!"

Hoodie rolled her eyes, shrugged and took a deep breath. Before Sawyer knew it, he was bombarded with tales that would put Hitchcock's drawers in a twist. Shippers?? Sana??? Jate???? Skate?????? WHAAAAT????????????

Hoodie told the tale with seriousness and composure. Even at times when Sawyer thought he would implode from suppressed laughter, she breezed right on through the acronyms and ridiculousness with not so much as a snicker. When she wrapped the story up, she crossed her arms and said solemnly:

"My name's Alex. I'm a Special Operator and Goodwill Ambassador of the Anti-Shipper League, and I'm here to get you off this island."

* * *

** TO BE CONTINUED...**


	12. SSSSecrets!

**Author's Notes: **Man, it HAS been awhile, hasn't it? The bottom line is, real life has been devouring my fanfiction like a shark at a tuna festival. To those of you still reading, I can only promise to try to get my fics back on track. So here we go! A quick basic recap:

**Sana** – has found out that some devious Jana shipper has replaced the hypno-reels intended to forge a Sawyer/Ana love connection with Jack reels. Now it's _JANA time. _

**Sawyer** – is accompanying the mysterious Hoodie girl across the island in order to get a signal from a Russian airbase outside of the island. Glitches ensued, but more importantly, Hoodie revealed herself to be none other than our favorite Alex! A Special Operator and Goodwill Ambassador of ASL, the Anti Shipper League! Finally, _my_ people. :P

**Chapter 12: S-S-S-Secrets!**

Kate sat waiting in her holding cell, twiddling her thumbs. She was waiting to carry out her part in the mission. It took a moment to remind herself what the mission was again. Since Ana was the mole that everyone had hoped didn't exist, they would have to flush her out. Another words, expose the bitch to everyone for what she really was. Kate was the one who was going to do that, since she had been captured implicitly for the purpose of revealing Ana for what she was-a traitor. Kate still didn't know how she was going to pull this trick off, but she was sure that, somehow, she would. Dramatic as it seemed, it was her destiny.

There was a poster on the wall nearby that one of the K.A.T.I.E. operatives had hung up to "add some cheer." It was of several artistically cut and cropped pictures of Kate wielding a shotgun, above which, in red ink, there was the sentence: "The Austen Initiative." Kate smiled a little as she admired the poster. The smile faded when she got to wondering how the heck they had gotten pictures of her like that...and why the images were so focused...almost _professionally_ photographed. Kate's eyes drifted along her cell. If there were cameras in holding cells, why shouldn't there be cameras in the jungle? Kate frowned. She began to wonder. All that stuff about Ana Lucia and Sawyer...did they really expect her to believe that Ana was a traitor? The evidence was damning, and hell, it was easy to believe, but in context, it didn't make sense. Why should all roads lead back to Sawyer? What was so important about him?

It started to disturb Kate how very secretive the "Good Guys" were.

--

At the Skater Op Centre quadrant of The Medusa Station, Jennifer was being sent some bad news.

"Alex did _what_?!"

The James (Sawyer) Ford Hussy who had delivered the information nodded solemnly.

"I don't believe this! Have the Jawyers been notified?"

"Don't believe they have. They've been having their own problems with some of the Jack factions these past hours."

"This is nuts." Jennifer paced. "If the ASL people have Sawyer...then we've got a problem." Jennifer ran a contemplative hand through her hair. "This will have to be a temporary setback." She folded her arms. "We've still got tons of Sawyer clips for Kate's Hypno-Reel. Kate thinks she's going in for some evaluations, so she's being co-operative. Gotta love that girl, she's a real team player! When everything's done, we'll stick her in with Jack and Sayid in the holding room and let them go back to the beach. Then finally Kate can 'expose' that trigger happy bitch Ana to the whole damn island."

--

Kate heard her cell door opening. She turned to see Jennifer stood at the door, flanked by two K.A.T.I.E operatives in white Dharma jumpers.

"You ready Kate?"

Kate stood up and broadened her posture.

"As I'll ever be."

--

Jack pulled his shirt on, all too aware of the pair of obsidian eyes that were appraising him. Jack was, at the moment, feeling a little guilty, but every time he thought about what him and Ana had shared, Kate's face flashed into his mind's eye, and then that _surveillance footage_, and then...well, then, Jack didn't feel so bad.

He turned back to look at Ana. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something, a joke, an exclamation, an answer, anything. Somehow, Ana didn't care to know the technicalities what had just happened. All she could think about was...Jack.

"I'm glad I found you." Jack ran a hand through his hair.

Ana frowned a little as if something had occurred to her. "How _did_ you find me?" The frown grew deeper. "In fact, what are you doing here...at all? I thought you were back at the beach."

"Well I was. I-I went to look for you...actually."

"For me?"

"Well-actually, Sawyer." Jack turned to sit cross-legged on the bed. His hand slightly brushed against Ana's. "I meant to find Sawyer first. I needed to...needed to discuss something with him." Jack cleared his throat. "So I went looking for him and someone knocked me out. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in some kind of holding area-and Sayid's there!"

"Sayid's here?"

"Just down the hall in the holding room...last time I checked anyway."

Ana sighed. She ran her hands over her face. "Okay--well--I'm a little confused Jack." She looked straight at him. Jack made a subtle point of not establishing eye contact.

"Why did this _happen_, Jack?"

Jack was quiet. There was Kate's face again. He could see her clearly in his mind. Kate and Sawyer. _Together_. The needles stabbed at him again. His wished he could erase that image from his mind.

"Jack?"

His eyes lanced back to Ana. She looked concerned. "What's wrong, Jack?"

"Nothing." He said after a moment. "Nothing at all."

Ana took his hand and intertwined their fingers, absentmindedly fiddling with her silver ring.

_**To Be Continued...**_


	13. Marionettes INC

**Author's Notes: **FYI, the decidedly less goofy title for this chapter comes from a Ray Bradbury short by the same name. It's about a guy who orders up a robotic clone version of himself so he can have some free time away from his possessive wife, but tragedy ensues when the clone falls in love with his wife. You'll note I'm doing that whole LOST producer thing of taking the plots of ancient but classic novels way out of context. :P There are no clones involved here...yet.

A recap!

**Kate** – Is prepared for brainwashing by the Skate faction. She thinks they want her to carry out some kind of Anti-Ana mission, but they're really going to brainwash her into believing Sawyer is her one true luv 4 evahandevahandevah...

**Ana and Jack** – Cuddle.

**CHAPTER 13: Marionettes, INC**

Two relation-shipper factions stood engaged in a heated argument in the Project Operation Center.

The Ana.Lucia.Cortez Faction Rep, Megan, was angrily rebuking Juliet, the Jana Project Coordinator who was also Member #107 of the Tailie Ship Association as well as the third moderator of the C.O.O.K.I.E.S (Co-council Of Other Known Island Existent Ships) forum, and not, of course, to forget that she was the Headmistress of the Jack (All Sheep Need A Shephard) Island Hussies Association and the co-founder of the first official JANA (Fixing Me Fixing You) membership group since the ship's first canon moment several months back.

"Headmistress, you are in _gross_ violation," Megan was beginning to wrap up her speech, "of Protocol 67 authority, and I intend to have this incident burned into your permanent record. It wasn't enough that you had to replace our Sawyer reels with Jack reels but then you saw fit to further muddy the waters by leaving fake Skate Sex reels on our editing computers! That's just fighting _dirty_!"

"You're just mad because our people broke past your lame security system." said Juliet with an impassive eyeroll.

"NO. I am angry because you have _jeopardized_ an _extremely sensitive operation_ –"

"Oh please, Ana Lucia's got a mind of her own." A smug grin crept upon Juliet's face. "We're just nudging her in the right direction."

Megan was nearing hysterics. "_You stole our plan!!_ And—and then the Skate reels weren't even _legit_! You hired Sawyer and Kate _lookalikes_?? _Lookalikes_?! You can't possibly be _proud_ of this –"

"Oh, but I am. You see, the connection between Jack and Ana Lucia is now stronger than ever. Now that he's been betrayed by Kate, there's nothing stopping him from taking his relationship with Ana to the next level—" Juliet clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oops." She said with saccharine embarrassment. "They already have, haven't they?"

Juliet folded her arms and grinned. "And by the way, Jana sex was _hot_."

Megan bristled like an enraged pigeon.

Pleased with herself and her faction's genius, Juliet turned to go. But then, a thought struck her, and she turned back to face the positively red A.L.C Faction Representative.

"I've had a thought Meg, tell me if it's a brain fart or what. Since Jack's heart is pretty much crushed by "Kate", we can be sure he pretty much hates her now, right?"

"As he should," said Megan through her teeth.

"Well, here's what I'm thinking..."

Whispering filled the Project Operation Center. The mood had changed dramatically from heated dispute to enthusiastic collaboration and conspiracy.

--

"So, are we in trouble here?" Jack said with a grin, looking at Ana Lucia as they made their down the corridor the direction he had come in.

"What do you mean?"

"Your ring." He said, glancing at her hand. Ana stared at it for a moment, and then shrugged off the question.

"It's nothing. Just a ring I wear."

"Why?" Jack queried.

"It uh...it helps me remember certain things."

Jack looked at her questioningly. Just then, Ana, eager to end this particular line of interrogation, noticed that there was a door held partly ajar on the right side of the corridor.

"Check it out."

Jack looked at the door. As Ana stepped past him to get to the door, he blocked her way.

"What're you doing Jack? It's a door, lets see what's—"

"You don't want to go in that room, Ana."

She glared suspiciously. "Oh yeah? Why not?"

That sick feeling was coming over Jack again. Only bad things would happen if that door...or any other doors were opened.

"What's in there Jack?" Ana wasn't going to let up. Exasperated by his resulting silence, she shoved past him and pushed open the door. Jack watched but didn't go inside. The door was pushed open wide enough for him to see the monitors..._and that one particular monitor_. Ana stood in the room, staring.

"What the hell...?" And then, her eyes found _The _Monitor. The one on which Sawyer and Kate lay together, enraptured, entangled, in _lust_.

Ana looked back at Jack. All at once, he recognized her expression. It was the same one he had when he first saw the thing. It was hurt. And more obviously on Ana, anger.

--

Sawyer and Alex, both outfitted with backpacks and weapons, trekked up a grassy incline which overlooked a series of rising hills and mountains covering a significant portion of the island. The teenager was busily observing the colorful blips on a radio transceiver that she held in her palm.

"So, why doncha tell me more about this... League of Extraordinarily Nutty People you're involved with." Said Sawyer. "Gotta tell ya, I'm _fascinated_."

"_ASL_," said Alex with inflection, " was formed several months after relation-shipper groups began tampering with the project."

"Tampering? But didn't you say that the whole point of the "project" was to mess around with our libidos or something?"

"Of course not. This whole thing started out as a purely scientific diversion. Why do you think there are climatically inappropriate animals on this island?"

"You tell me, maybe a couple got away from Doctor Moreau."

Alex smirked. "Needless to say, I can't expect a simpleton like you to understand the implications. Just be re-assured, James, ASL is looking out for you."

"Why me? What about Kate and Jack and A-L and...everyone else?"

"When one seeks to take something out," Alex said with a dangerous glint in her eye, "one goes for the nucleus. Without the nucleus, everything else falls apart."

"You're sayin' I'm the nuke?"

"Nucleus, and yes. It's 6 degrees of separation, Ford. 50 percent of the currently commissioned relation-shipper groups have involved you in their pairing or triangle, whether deliberately, or by inadvertence. ASL's prime directive is to remove you from this situation, thereby, dismantling the rest of the groups from the inside out."

Sawyer laughed. "Sorry kid, I can't help but think that's a lot of poo-poo. What's so important about little old me?"

"More than you think, Ford. More than you think."

Alex became re-engaged with her PDA, which began to beep rapidly as they approached the peak of their ascension.

"How's C3-PO?" asked Sawyer.

"I've got a signal! We're close!"

"To the good guys, I hope."

"It's gotta be! Maybe the weather's cleared and the base has gotten its ships out." She fiddled manically with the controls. After a moment, there was a burst of static, and then, music to Alex's ears. A voice.

But not quite the voice Alex had been expecting. Instead of the garbled Russian speaking voice she had hoped to hear, she heard, instead, an unfamiliar voice. It was a man dictating in a clear, steady voice with some sense of importance and urgency. He was reciting a monologue.

_"This is a streaming freedom radio bulletin. The cable hack will last exactly 60 seconds. It cannot be traced, it cannot be stopped and it is the only free voice left in the city.."_

Alex and Sawyer looked at each other.

The message repeated.

"Uh..." Sawyer began, "you know that guy?"

Alex exhaled sharply. That was NOT what she wanted to hear. It took all of her sanity not to stamp her foot like a 5 year-old. "Damnit!!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	14. COOKIES Anyone?

**Author's Notes: **Thanks for the crackified!fic love, ya'll! To **JsyGirl**, thanks for your comments! Unfortunately in this ficcy, Boone & Shannon are still dead. Sorry! But I'm actually looking into the Des/Claire/Chuck angle and HOPEFULLY, there will be a little arc for them coming up in some later chapters. This really is mostly a Skate vs Sana fic, LOL, but I'm trying my best to give _almost _everybody their spot, or at least a mention. I didn't actually contemplate how many ships people have on _Lost _when I started this thing, rofl.

A recap!

**The Sanateers & Anayids** - Collide, converge, converse and conspire.

**Ana & Jack** - Ana finds out why Jack's finer feelings towards her suddenly came up. She boggles with horror. "SKATE SEX! MY EYES!!ELEVEN1!11!" JK. :P

**Sawyer & Alex** - En route for a radio tower that will solve all their current problems, Alex explains the intricacies of what the Others are really about, says something about Sawyer being a shipping nucleus, and then they both find out that someone has blocked incoming radio transmissions with (oh how ironic) a loop of _Dark Angel_'s streaming freedom radio bulletin, A La Danielle's radio intrusion in _LOST_'s "Pilot". Blast and pooh!

**Chapter 14: C.O.O.K.I.E.S Anyone?**

With the air of a woman who had finally lost all possible existing patience with people, the world and the universe in general, Ana Lucia made her way swiftly to the end of the corridor, Jack on her heels. He caught up with her and seized her arm. Angrily, she whirled around.

"Ana," Jack started, "I can explain –"

"Save it, _Jack_, I've heard—'scuse me—_seen_ all I want to."

"You don't understand –"

"What?? Understand what? That everything that happened between us back there was a lie? This was some kind of game, wasn't it? You got your feelings hurt by that doey eyed ditz and you wanted to make your_self_ feel better, well I hope you feel better Jack, in fact, I hope you feel _awesome_, cuz _I've_ never been better!"

She yanked her arm away and stormed off. Jack sped after her and blocked her path.

"Listen to me Ana, my intention wasn't to hurt you—" his words were met by a scoff. "I was—look, listen, you're right, I _was_ feeling hurt, but I _care_ about you Ana, you have to beli –"

"Hey Jack, why don't you save it for someone who cares? Right now, I'd like to get Sayid and I'd like to get out of this goddamn place, okay?"

"Ana, we're not going anywhere until you hear me out."

"I've heard all I want to. Get out of my way."

"Ana—"

"OUT. OF. MY. WAY."

So that was it. She was done. And he could tell. Nothing he'd say would make it better. Despondently, he stepped aside, and let her storm off down the hall. Jack honestly hadn't wanted to hurt her, but then, he knew—with a rush of regret, that she was dead on with her accusation. He'd wanted to take away his pain of seeing Kate with Sawyer. And Ana had been a convenient outlet. But in his anger, he had failed to anticipate something. He'd hurt a friend. And remembering Ana's eyes when she had seen the monitor, he suspected that she was hurt much deeper than he had expected.

--

Roused by a sudden rush of frigid air, Sayid rose and saw Ana Lucia entering on the other side of the room. At first glance, the Latina seemed shaken.

"Ana Lucia. What are you doing here? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." She said curtly. "_You_ okay?"

Jack entered the room behind her, looking more apologetic than usual.

"I will be when we're out of here." replied Sayid.

"Tell me about it."

But that, sadly, was not to happen. Startled at the sound of gears engaging, the three whirled to see with horror the door Ana and Jack had entered from swinging automatically shut, and the wheel spinning, locking with a finite "CLICK".

--

Wheels were also turning at the Jawyer Project center. They had their man, and they had been about to collect their _other_ man. But as usual, the het shippers were ruining everything. Skate would do something intrusive and then the Sana people would come along to make it worse. The Jawyer faction wasn't much worried about the squabbling hets, though. They knew how to make ends meet, whatever the odds. Things always just seemed to happen that way for them. One way or another, Jack and Sawyer would always find their way to each other. That was just the nature of the beast.

This fate-dependent indifference was the reason why, when it was discovered that Sawyer was missing from their holding study room, no PM's were sent out. No mass e-mailing was done, no alarms were pulled and no authority figures were frantically contacted. Everyone simply sat back, watched re-runs of Dharma and Greg, and waited for something to start happening.

Down at Sana, however, PM's _were_ being sent out. Everyone's mail-box was spammed by at least a dozen letters deploring what had happened with Jack and Ana, and issuing conferences to discuss new ship maneuvers. It wasn't until some 16 hours later when Jungle Assault Platoon Warrant Officer of The Rambina Coalition Carol had sent a "RE: SANA CRISIS ISSUE: OPEN IMMEDIATELY" message to everyone which contained some "Special News", that the furor over the Jana conflagration began to subside. It was to be a historic month. Two factions would collaborate for the first time, and the result would no doubt be sweet success.

Meanwhile, even more things were occurring that no one had ever suspected would occur. No one knew exactly how hard the culprits had struck, until it occurred to an S.P.C affiliated Communication Technician, as she sat, watching Ana, Jack and Sayid communicate on the Medusa holding area monitoring video. Something shocking was about to happen, unbeknownst to almost everyone and anyone who was affiliated with G.A.M.S, the James (Sawyer) Ford Hussies Sub-Council and the Jack (All Sheep Need A Sheppard) Island Hussies Association.

C.O.O.K.I.E.S were crumbling all over Sana AND Jana! And what had been put into motion, could not be stopped. The Anayids had come out. And they had struck hard.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	15. Get Smarty Pants

**Author's Note: **Oh hai ya'll. :P Yeap, this is totally an update. And there's totally two more on the way. Totally.

A recap!

**Ana & Jack**: Having found out about Jack's deception, Ana is pissed and distraught. Oh, will she ever trust Jack again?? Now trapped in an underground shipper station with Sayid, anything could happen...

**The Sana Faction**: is being set up for a shipper foil by the Anayids. Why is Sayid REALLY stuck between Kate, Jack and Ana Lucia? Time will tell...

**Chapter 15: Get Smarty Pants**

"This is just great," said Ana, after an epic attempt to get the wheel to budge. She sat down against the glass separating the room. "Looks like we're stuck. _Frak_."

Jack sat down next to her. He was still trying to mend the broken trust between them, but he knew instinctively that it would take more than whatever he had in mind to fix what he had destroyed. It was hard to be next to her and not have her look at him in any particular kind of way.

Sayid watched the two. It occurred to him that there was something disturbing Ana, but he couldn't imagine what. Whatever it was, he was sure Jack would help her through it. But then...come to think of it...Jack seemed to be the source of Ana's darker than usual hostility. The agitated Latina stood up and began to pace.

"If we weren't locked in here, we could get back out into the hall—see if there's another exit, some way out of here. I'm so _sick_ of this place!" She hit a palm against the wall.

Just then, the wheel on the door on Sayid's side began to spin. Sayid, anticipating Others, stood back against the side of the door and waited, balling his fists. The wheel stopped its spin and unlocked with a CLICK. The door opened, and someone was shoved in. Sayid's muscles tightened, ready to strike, but he couldn't because the person that had been pushed into the room was none other than Kate!

--

"Encino Girl to Boy Scout, come in." said Alex into the radio. She and Sawyer had headed back to Alex's Cabin to, according to Alex, 'try to iron the wrinkles out of this elephant.' Sawyer's faith in Alex was fast diminishing, but he felt that to go anywhere else would probably be a bit wreckless, and plus he'd just get lost. Anyway, Alex seemed to know what she was doing...but maybe it was just that, for a kid, she put up a pretty good front.

"Boy Scout, come in!" Alex worked busily at the radio console. Sawyer paced the room.

"Maybe the Russians got 'im."

Alex, ignoring him as was her fashion, continued trying to clear the static-ey signal. After several minutes, a male voice came over the speakers. Sawyer and Alex crowded around the computer.

"Encino Girl, I read you. What's going on?"

"Thank god! I thought my radio'd been shot! I've got Ford with me, we tried connecting up with the Russian base but there's an intercepting loop at the radio tower. You think you can get somebody out there to fix it?"

"No can do sweetie, we've got our hands full down here. Praetorian's on the move and all our techies went with them. Maybe you can get it done yourself?"

"I don't have that kind of time!"

"Well sorry hon. All I can say's hold down the fort 'till daddy gets there."

"You're loads of help, Bernardo."

"Hey, you _tryin'_ to blow my cover? That's _Boy Scout_ to you. And you're damn straight. We'll contact ya soon as they get back. Hold down that fort, sweetie. Scout out."

Alex leaned back in her seat, sighing heavily. Sawyer stared expectantly.

"You wanna translate that for me? '_Sweetie'_?"

"That was Bernardo, he's posted at another camp across the island. I was hoping he could send our auxiliary team out to the radio tower to get rid of that stupid looping signal we heard so I can get through to the Russian base, but he said all our technicians are out on another mission."

"So...what do we do?"

Alex looked at Sawyer with wry despair. "Guess we'll just have to wait."

"'Just have to wait??" Sawyer said incredulously. "The raptors are coming and you wanna _wait_?! No way, sister, we're gonna _do_ something. I'm not gonna put my life in the hands of your boyfriend and your pet Red Shirts!"

Alex felt an indignant urge to correct Sawyer's insinuation, "—Hey, he's not my _boyfriend_—"

"I don't care if he's the Dalai Lama, the point is, I ain't stickin' around and lettin' the army of fangirls take a bite outta my hide. I'm getting out of here, one way or another."

"And how do you propose we do that, James?" Alex said sharply, crossing her arms. "Half of the island is after you, you have _no_ support system and mine is away on a top secret mission."

"Well what about communication, we have communication, don't we?"

"Tch, _yeah_, to several encrypted off-island frequencies and the island's built in intranet, which I use ONLY to monitor shipper group activities—"

"Well there it is!" Sawyer animatedly clapped his hands together. "Intranet! That's it!"

"_What's_ it?"

"You can _communicate _with the Others. What do the Others want. _Me_!"

Alex blinked.

Sawyer drew closer, his voice dropping.

"Okay, you need this antennae thingy deactivated, right?"

"Radio tower signal, and…yeah…"

"Can it be done from the inside?"

"Yeah, everything on this island is controlled from some console or other—"

Slowly it dawned on Alex what the Southerner's drastic course of action was. She immediately rose, already shaking her head.

"No. No way, no freaking way, you're not doing it."

Sawyer wasn't giving up. "Don't you get it? I can do more _within_ the system than _outta_ it. If I give myself up to the shippers, I can get to the console and deactivate the signal so your people can come and blow a hole this operation, it's fricking genius!"

"No it's fricking stupid. Talk about Mission _Improbable_, do you realize how risky that is Sawyer? The whole reason why you're here with _me_ is to keep _you_ away from _them_, if they _have_ you I doubt I'll ever be able to get you back! They'll eat you alive in there!"

"Kid, I'm a professional." Sawyer assured, a grin crossing his face. "You'll have to trust me on that. So, you in on this or what?"

Alex hesitated. She wasn't completely unconfident of the Southerner's abilities. She had, after all, read his file. Surely a professional conman would have more than one trick up his considerably long sleeve to pull off what Sawyer was suggesting. It certainly would be better than waiting for her tech support team to finish their away mission, but the risks so heavily outweighed the benefits. Her mission was to get Sawyer away from the shippers, not _surrender_ him to them. The repercussions of losing the package would be enormous! Her professional reputation, her merits, her career with the Anti Ship League, down the toilet!

"Ford…" Alex started solemnly, "You're unnecessarily risking your sanity. And I could get in a lot of trouble for this. Frankly, this idea exceeds the amount of stupidness I know you're capable of. You listen to me carefully." She paused, looking unblinkingly at Sawyer. "You screw this shit up, I'll kill ya, you understand?"

Sawyer smirked and tossed his hair.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	16. En Garde!

**Previously, on LOST...**

**Sawyer and Alex**: plot to get Sawyer and his friends off the island. Sawyer volunteers himself for an espionage/search&rescue mission. Alex doesn't like it, but realizes something interesting needs to happen in a couple of chapters and so agrees. Meanwhile, Kate materializes in the Medusa with Ana, Jack and Sayid.

**CHAPTER 16: En Garde! But Nothing Terribly Dramatic…**

Kate stood staring at Sayid, bewildered, then her eyes drifted towards Ana and Jack, who stood on the other side of the room, staring.

"Sayid? What—what are you doing here?"

"I came after Jack." Sayid held her by the shoulders. "Are _you _alright?"

"Yeah—I'm fine. You?"

"Tired." Sayid looked over at Ana and Jack. Ana looked distinctly unhappy.

"Well," said Sayid, "Looks like we're all together again. Except for Sawyer."

"_Sawyer_," started Kate, "have you _seen_ Sawyer?"

"Oh, give me a break," murmured Ana out loud.

Sayid shook his head. "No. I was...hoping you...had." He and Kate looked towards Ana and Jack.

It was an almost amusing tableau. Jack stood, looking somewhat like a deer in the headlights, and Ana was staring down Kate with a glint of murder in her eyes. Kate's eyes darted back and forth between Ana and Jack, painfully unaware of what was going on. Sayid stared cluelessly at all of them.

"I sense a disturbance in the force, you guys," said Kate with a weak chuckle. Ana folded her arms.

"No kidding, _Leia_." Ana didn't try to disguise the venom in her voice. Kate, realizing how much of Ana's hostility was directed towards her, frowned in a startled sort of way, and then reciprocated Ana's glare with an equally fierce one of her own.

Unconsciously, Sayid and Jack simultaneously took a step to the side and back.

"You're sure you haven't seen Sawyer, Kate? It's a small island, you know."

"And getting smaller." Kate replied icily, crossing her arms.

"Tell me about it." Ana paused and ran her tongue over her teeth. Finally, she unfolded her arms and stuffed her hands in her pockets. "Alright, why don't you cut the act, Kate?"

"What act?"

"Oh please, don't even try that with me—"

"Try what?? I have no idea what you're on about –"

"_Sawyer_, Kate. _Sawyer_. I _saw_ you two in your American Pie moment."

"_What_??"

"Sawyer?? You've seen him? Where?" asked Sayid, hoping to distract the two women.

"That's right, I know everything." Ana went on, ignoring Sayid. "Well, maybe not _everything_, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that you're hot for the guy. I mean, you're constantly flirting at him whenever you get the chance, it's frankly pretty disgusting—"

"Ana—" Jack interrupted, but Ana silenced him with a raised palm to his face.

"But what boggles my mind is why of all places, you would have sex with him, _here_! You've been stuck with the guy for god knows how long within the vicinity of a nice warm hatch, but, no, when _Kate_ does it she's gotta be on _camera_!"

"What the hell—did you hit your head or something, Ana? Is this some kind of joke—some sick mind game you're playing?" Kate unfurled her arms and pointed an accusing finger. "It's true, isn't? Everything they said was true! This is part of your plan, isn't it? Psychological warfare? Trying to break up our trust? Well we're stronger than you, Ana Lucia!" Kate took a startled Sayid in a strangle-hug of camaraderie around the neck. "We're _family_! Whether you and _your people_ like it or not! And you'll _never_ break this up. You hear me? I will fight you till the bitter end—you listening??"

Ana scoffed, flailed a dismissive hand and turned away. "She's crazy."

"No, _you're_ crazy, _bitch_, why don't you tell everybody what's _really_ going on??"

Ana stared incredulously at Kate over her shoulder. "Tell everybody _what_?"

"If you don't," said Kate dangerously, "_I_ will."

"Go ahead! See if I care! You don't have anything to say anyway!"

"You really _are_ a bitter woman, aren't you, Ana? Just what _is_ your story, huh? Did someone screw you over? Was it a friend? A _boy_friend? Did you not get enough hugs as a child?"

Ana laughed out loud. "You're _loco_, girlfriend!"

"Or maybe there _is _no dramatic past, maybe you're just standard issue evil. Yeah, that's right, Ana. I know all about you. I know about your _group_, I know about your _plan_—"

"What plan?" asked Sayid, frowning.

Kate suddenly clammed up and took her own stance standing against a wall, glowering at Ana.

Sayid looked aghast. "I—I can't even pretend to _understand_ what's going on here, but...I'm pretty sure that it has something to with the Others. Clearly they're trying to rip us apart, _look_ at us. Look at you! You've never been the best of friends, I'm sure, but...but _ladies_! This is _ridiculous_! This kind of talk is so unlike either of you! Ana—where—where did all these fantastic accusations come from? And Kate! Merciful Allah, what's all this about Ana having a plan? I don't understand—what or _who_ have you been talking to? You sound..._brainwashed_!"

"It's partly my fault," interjected Jack guiltily. He looked at Ana Lucia. "I did something that I regret. And I hurt a friend. I was selfish. And I'm sorry."

Ana looked at Jack. Her eyes vaguely softened.

"Don't apologize to her, Jack!" exclaimed Kate, "You don't even know what she is!"

"You know what, Kate?" Jack's teeth knitted. "Don't talk to me."

Kate's voice caught. She looked hurt. "_Jack_—what—"

Then Kate saw what she perceived to be an evil smile curling Ana's lips. At that moment, she realized—somehow, Ana had gotten to him! Santa Ana's true colors had emerged and here stood Ana _Lucifer_! This whole thing had been planned from the get-go, _clearly_! Ana had something over Jack. And just now, Ana had cemented her psychological hold on Jack by turning him against her! She had him almost at her feet, groveling and apologizing and simpering like an idiot! Whatever the case was, Jennifer was right. She _was_ a threat to Ana, and it now was clear now that everyone Kate cared about was in danger, first and foremost on Ana's hit list, the men she loved.

At that moment of horrified realization, Kate heard a noise. It was a subtle humming sound. All at once, the wheels on the doors on each side of the room began to spin and the glass wall dividing the room rose, disappearing into a slot in the ceiling. There was a rush of air in the room, and then the CLICK of the blast doors unlocking. The doors swung open automatically, and the automated female voice began to speak:

"_Holding room lockdown terminated_." There was a buzz and click and then the room was filled with the sweet, jazzy crooning of some late 50ies female country music artist.

Sayid looked at the open door on his right.

"It appears," he said, "we're being released." He looked at Kate. There was no particular reaction from any of the others besides bewilderment. Finally, Sayid went towards the door.

"I'll take point. Let's try to stay together. If you hear gunfire, you know what to do. On three?"

Kate, Jack and Ana filed behind Sayid who peered carefully out of the door. He held his hand up and counted in a low, sotto voice:

"One, two, three!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	17. Your Mission Should You Choose To Accept

**Author's Note**: Thanks to my loverly readers to putting up with this fic. Dramalover914, LOL, thanks for the reviews. Gee, It does appear that the shipper's master plans(s) are backfiring miserably, doesn't it? Hmm...well, nothing is as it appears on Lost Island. ;)

This is a bit of an action/actual plot-filled chapter. The fun stuff is coming up, to be sure!

**Previously on LOST**: Inside the Medusa station, Kate and Ana catfight verbally before they are mysteriously released them from the holding station. Sweet freedom?? Probably not. Meanwhile Sawyer plans with Alex to give himself up to the shippers. Oh that poor, stupid man...

**Chapter 17: Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It…**

Alex's fingers pounded away at the keyboard. A black telnet screen filled over in blocky font text suddenly expanded and filled the whole computer monitor. Alex entered a series of numbers and letters which typed out in an eerie green font. She hesitated when she was finished, and then pressed the execute button. She waited. Sawyer pulled up a seat behind her.

"You ever done anything like this before?"

"Once." Said Alex. "I was the infiltrator. I was helping out a friend."

"Was that friend being hunted down by fangirls too?"

"In a manner of speaking. She was actually the victim of a group of writers who were under the mind control of some idiot code named Captain Proton."

"Uh huh…" said Sawyer.

The screen changed. Words scrolled across the monitor. They read:

** :**_You have reached the S.P.C Forum Moderator. Please leave a message._

Alex cracked her knuckles.

"Here goes."

**:**_This is James Sawyer Ford. You want me? Come and get me at these co- ordinates: 3213y:5642x. I want to make a deal._

Alex pressed execute. Moments later, an animated bunny wearing a Team Ana T-Shirt threw a heart shaped grenade at the screen which exploded in a burst of pink and white pixels.

"Charming." Said Alex wryly.

"Whaddaya mean, 'make a deal'?" asked Sawyer.

"You'll be going in on the pretext of wanting to trade yourself for your friends. Of course they'll deny you, but you'll be using every opportunity you have on the inside to get to the command console for the radio tower."

Alex got up and headed over a box overflowing with file folders. She selected one and pulled out a piece of paper with a large, elaborate diagram of the island which she showed to Sawyer.

"S.P.C conducts most of their operations from an underground centre below The Arrow. This should be your initial location when they take you. Later, they'll transfer you here, to another holding cell. At some point, you need to sneak out and head here, to the control room. The room is protected with a keypad. You need the authorization code to get in, that code is eight-ADAM-15, ADAM in all caps, memorize it. Once inside the control room, you need to find the outgoing transmission relay panel and disable it, it'll be a big white panel with several 50ies era TV screens over it. Disabling it's very easy to do, simply press the red button and follow the onscreen prompts."

The two looked up, conscious of a strange thundering sound like the distant galloping of horses. They both knew what it was.

"They're coming." Alex gave Sawyer the paper and sprung into action. She worked amazingly quickly. Boxes were masterfully concealed by other meaningless looking boxes, papers were tossed into plastic bags which were then hurled into the fireplace and set on fire. Alex scrambled to grab her pack and a handgun. She cocked the gun and delivered five well placed shots to the computer, then stuffed the weapon in her pants. She headed for the western wall of the hideout and pushed a previously unseen button. A panel in the wall slid back to reveal a secret escape door.

Alex turned to Sawyer as the helicopter sounds increased.

"You and me part company here, James. It's up to you now if this mission succeeds. We can't afford any mistakes."

"Where will you be?" asked Sawyer, vaguely concerned.

"I'm heading back underground. I assume you realize you can't tell anyone about anything that's happened here. They'll question you, James. I can't afford to be discovered."

Sawyer nodded.

"Good luck." Alex dramatically disappeared into the wall. The panel pulled over and it was as if no hole had ever been there.

Sawyer turned to see the door break down. The wind kicked up by the helicopter propellers gusted into the room, blowing debris into his eyes. He squinted, just in time to see figures heavily outfitted in guerrilla tactical gear darkening the doorway. Sawyer discreetly concealed the square of paper Alex had given him in his fist. They surrounded him, and one of them removed her helmet.

Wearing a red bandana and chewing a large wad of bubble gum, Traylor "Big Bang" Trazowski, the 2iC of The Rambina Coalition Jungle Assault Platoon grinned broadly at Sawyer. "Well hell, look who it is!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	18. Like, Whoah Oh No

**Author's Notes**: No, as a matter of fact I have NOT abandoned this fic! The chapters just don't seem to want to leave the safety of their comfy folder on my computer. P.S., HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

**Previously on LOST**, Alex contacts the Others and briefs Sawyer on his mission. Rambina Coalition Operatives arrive to take Sawyer into custody.

**CHAPTER 18: Like, Whoah. Oh No.  
**

Sayid, Kate, Jack and Ana stealthily crept their way through the Medusa Station. There were no doors, as it appeared, that didn't lead to another set of more heavily re-enforced doors with wheels and grids and locks, passcard slots, etc etc. The Medusa was by far the most well defended station any of the four had ever had the displeasure of maneuvering.

After several minutes, and bumping into the thousandth door that hour, Kate stopped, flailing.

"For god's sake—can't we just ask for directions?!"

Sayid put a finger to his lips. "Quiet. There are people coming."

Indeed there were footsteps coming around a corner. All four ducked into a previously discovered storage closet and waited for the footsteps to pass by. The briskly walking persons inexplicably decided to stop right in front of the storage closet door and start talking. Everyone inside the closet held their breath and eavesdropped, wide eyed in the dark.

"_...we need to get her out of there..._" someone was saying, "_...before any more damage..._"

The other invoked dismissively: "_It'll never happen!_"

"_But,_ " said the other, " _that's exactly what they want you to think! They planned all of this! There weren't supposed to be four of them in there!_"

"_Change of plans maybe?_ "

"_What's the motive?? Listen, if I'm right and S.P.C didn't authorize this, then this could be a catastrophe..._"

The two voices began to fade as they walked away. Everyone in the closet sighed, just a little, in relief.

"Now what?" asked Ana, shoulder to shoulder with Sayid. She looked at him. His eyes glimmered in the dark. _How freakish_, Ana briefly thought.

"I don't know. All our possible exit points appear to be cut off."

"Have you guys noticed," said Jack, behind Kate, "that there aren't any windows in this place?"

"Windows?" said Kate, "I hadn't noticed."

"He's right," said Ana vaguely, "I haven't seen any either."

Kate shrugged. "People, who cares about windows?"

"Wait...shut up," whispered Ana sharply, "Listen."

They all listened to the faint gurgling noise that had become subtly audible in the silence. Everyone turned around to look towards the end of the room.

At the end of the closet—which really wasn't a closet at all, it was some kind of computer room, there was a little round porthole, crissed and crossed and. Outside of it, besides a translucent blue, nothing could be seen, except, at that very moment, the fin of a marauding shark in the distance, gliding through the blue.

Everyone took a step closer to the porthole.

"My god...you guys..." said Kate in a breathless whisper, "do you know what this means?"

Sayid pushed the curls away from his face, and bravely put a hand against the window. It was cold to the touch, and the smell of salt-water strong.

"Yes..." he said darkly, "we're underwater."

"Oh this is beautiful!" Kate exploded as quietly as she could, "we're trapped in an underwater _think _tank full of _stupid _people! Personally, I don't see how this day could get any better. I've been kidnapped by some sort of fangirl_ cult_, been told all sorts of horror stories by people who have posters of me floating around their offices...and my hair! Just look at my hair, do you know what hell pulling these tangles out is going to be?"

"Use L'Oreal conditioner plus detangler like the rest of us." Ana grumbled.

"L'Oreal?? Detangler?? ...L'OREAL?!" Stunned at Ana's careless nonchalance, and also the fact that somewhere on the island, someone was hoarding L'Oreal conditioner plus detangler, Kate grabbed a handful of her rebellious dark locks in maddened frustration.

"I...just..I have no words."

"Best news I've heard all day." murmured Ana.

"How about _you _shut your _trap _for the evening, hm?" Kate snapped back.

"Oh, _you're_ telling me to--"

"Why don't you BOTH shut up?" Sayid asked with sudden stern politeness.

At that moment, there was a sound that nobody in that little room wanted to hear. A sound so loud and piercing that it made Jack nearly wet his pants. It was the sound, that combined with the reality of what was outside that window, sucked the hope from the mind, the daring from the heart and penetrated the soul with fear. It was the sound of doom.

It was Celine Dion.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	19. Return of the Bald Man

**Previously on LOST: Sawyer and Alex:** Have been plotting how to rescue the gang and they've decided that Sawyer must give himself up to the Rambina Coalition so he can break into their facility and briefly play out the 007 fantasies we all know he has. ;)

**CHAPTER 19: Return of The Bald Man  
**

As he entered the helicopter in the custody of Rambina Coalition Operatives, Sawyer began to wonder exactly what kind of nefarious plots these "shippers" were planning to execute now that they had him. Having never been kidnapped by fangirls before, but possessing some vague knowledge of some of their techniques, a chill went up Sawyer's spine to imagine himself the victim of fangirl bondage.

The chopper landed at a undisclosed location (which due to the high level of top secretness cannot even be mentioned in-story) and unloaded. Sawyer was taken to an obnoxiously colored pink and white Hummer and forced into the back, bound, blindfolded and gagged. Sawyer bounced around in silence for several minutes in the back of the vehicle until it finally stopped. He was removed from the vehicle and marched around for some length of time with the operatives until the convoy brought him to a stop. He heard a latch flicked and a door creak open. He assumed they had finally arrived at the much talked about Arrow station. After some shuffling, and noise of Rambina Operatives murmuring to each other, he felt himself shoved into a tight space he supposed was a storage room of some sort and heard a door slam. With no clue where he was or what was going to happen next, Sawyer stayed still and listened.

There were voices outside. He recognized one of them. It was _Locke_.

"I don't understand, I _brought_ you Sayid, now what's it gonna take? We had a deal!" Locke was saying.

"I understand Sana has Ana, Jack and Kate, correct?" An operative was asking.

"Yeah, what's that gotta do with—"

"We're not working for Sana, we're working for C.O.O.K.I.E.S."

"C.O.O.K.I.E.S.?? What the hell is C.O.O.K.I.E.S??"

"Co-council Of Other Known Island Existent Ships, you moron. We're ANAYID."

"You mean… you're _insurgents_…Anayid?? You mean Ana and _Sayid_?? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever—"

"Doesn't matter what you think, _Locke_, what _does_ matter is that Sawyer doesn't touch Ana with a ten foot pole. _You understand_?"

"Yeah, but—"

"But what? Don't you realize what this means? You're getting everything you wanted. A one way ticket back to the Real World. Congratulations, your job's done, pops. Take your buddy to these coordinates, you'll find a boat and a radio transceiver. _Bon voyage_."

"You mean…you're letting me go? Hey! I'm talking to you! What about my—"

A door slammed. Sawyer pressed his ear against the door. There was a long period of silence, and then footsteps pacing, the sound of paper rustling, then suddenly, the door opened, and Sawyer, who had been leaning against it, lost his balance and crashed to the floor, face first.

"Dumbshit! My nose!" Sawyer groaned and rolled over. "I _know __you're there,_ Locke!" He snarled. "Get this crap offa me!"

Of course, having a gag in his mouth, what Sawyer said wasn't nearly intelligible to Locke, but he got the gist of it.

He felt rough fingers remove the gag from his mouth. Feeling the anger within him rising like lava inside an erupting volcano, he barked:

"_Blindfold_!"

Sawyer's sight was restored. He looked up into Locke's infuriatingly calm blue eyes. He felt his own eyes burning. He gritted his teeth as he glowered at the traitor. He growled with venom. "_You sonofabitch_."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	20. Help Me Help You

**Author's Notes**: Thanks for the reviews! And omg, people are still reading! *is surprised* There should be three more chapters on the way this week--four if I'm feelin' particularly giddy. School's on the way again. :( God help us all.

**Previously on LOST:** **Ana, Sayid, Kate & Jack** sneak through the Medusa station trying to find an exit. Of course they don't find one, but they do get to eavesdrop on what they don't know are Sana operatives. Suddenly, Celine Dion starts singing. Clearly they're screwed.

**CHAPTER 20: Help Me Help You**

Celine Dion sang "I Drove All Night" for a good fifteen minutes before she abruptly shut off. All four in the dim, water-lit room stood in silence, waiting first for their ears to relax, and then for something to happen…

…but nothing did. After a moment, someone said in a sharp, disbelieving whisper:

"_We're underwater???_"

Ana's eyes looked as white as dinnerplates in the dim light. She continued in the same loud whisper, "Sayid, tell me you're joking so I can kick your ass and be done with—"

"I'm afraid this is no joke." Sayid whispered back gravely."This must be some kind of underwater station…what I don't understand is…" he paused.

"What? What don't you understand?" whispered Jack.

"_Locke_." Whispered Sayid. "Locke was the one who kidnapped me. Or rather, working with the people who did."

"Hold on, back up," Ana crossed her arms. "Colonel Kurtz Judas'd us? Jesus, can't we trust _anyone_ around here?!"

"Well when our perceptions of reality are being untruthed, you gotta expect trust patterns to get cheesed sooner or later."

Ana stared at Kate. "Huh?"

"As long as we're verbing words."

"So Locke's a mole, what else is new?" Jack said quickly in a slightly louder whisper with jaded indifference that surprised everyone. "What are you guys looking at? Don't tell me any of this actually surprises you! Anyway, We still need to find a way out of here. Any ideas?"

Everyone thought very hard for approximately 60 seconds. Finally Ana spoke up.

"We're underwater."

"Brilliant, Holmes." Said Kate.

"If you're underwater," Ana went on, "you still need to be able to keep contact with whoever might be landside, correct?"

"I see what you're saying," said Sayid in a low, scientific tone, "there might be some kind of relay station down here, a communication post or transceiver station."

"Right, some kind of doohickey that we can dial up and get out an SOS."

"Excellent idea Ana Lucia. But you've forgotten something."

Ana blinked at Sayid.

"We're surrounded by hostiles. How the hell are we going to get to it without being discovered?"

Ana thought hard on this one, but before she found a solution, Jack inferred an idea.

"If someone could…blend in somehow. Steal a uniform…"

"Too risky." Said Ana. "You heard those alarms. Obviously they've got everyone looking for us. What we need is someone we can work with, someone within the system."

"Like you, perhaps?" Mumbled Kate.

"What's that, Kate?" said Ana, her attitude flaring. "Please, share your ideas with the group, I'm sure we'd all love to –"

"Hsst! Quiet!" ordered Jack.

Footsteps were coming directly for the room. All four watched the door with tight-nerved anticipation, each and every muscle reading itself to spring.

The footsteps stopped. The knob wriggled. Slowly, the door opened and a sliver of light illuminated the young lady who peered inside.

"Hello?" she said, scanning the darkness. "Is there someone in here?"

For a second, the four hiding people panicked. Then suddenly, Ana got an idea and whispered in Sayid's ear. Grabbing Jack and Kate by the arm, she pulled them into the darkness, leaving Sayid alone.

Sayid spoke in the sexiest voice he could muster. "Hello."

The woman peeking in (who happened to be a member of the Sayid Jarrah Faction) gasped slightly at the sound of his voice. Immediately knowing who it was, but not about to believe it until she saw his actual heart staggeringly gorgeous face, she opened the door wider and slipped into the room.

Directly ahead, illuminated in a sensual beam of surreal misty light that was radiating from the hall way, she saw the magnificent Arab standing against the wall, his hands at the buttons of his shirt, wearing a tantalizing come-hither expression.

She gasped. "Sayid...is it really you...?"

He raised his finger and motioned her to come closer. Drawn like a moth to a flame, she did, her feet moving weightlessly under her. To her sudden dismay, her Arab prince seemed to vanish into the darkness, the beam of light that illuminated his sculpted, golden body suddenly shrinking and slipping away. She gasped.

"No!"

CLONK.

"...Ow!"

Stars sparkled in her eyes as she collapsed from the unseen blow into unconsciousness.

Kate stood guard at the door that she had been strategically closing. Ana slipped out of the darkness, the handle of the Swiffer she had used to knock out the girl clenched tight in her hand.

"Nice job Sayid."

Sayid quickly smoothed back his hair and re-buttoned his shirt.

"Now what?"

"Now," said Ana, "somebody's gonna play Alias."

Kate felt eyes looking at her through the darkness.

"Stop looking at me. I can _feel_ you looking at me. Don't listen to her! She just wants to be alone with Jack!"

"Kate, could you possibly _pretend_ to think about someone other than yourself??" Ana sounded almost as if she was pleading. "You _gotta_ do it! Too many people know me, and we might hate each other's guts right now, but we've _gotta_ commit to getting _outta_ here. Just—do it for Sawyer!"

"Don't bring Sawyer into this, Ana. You don't know _anything_ about him."

"Kate?" Jack asked sharply. But it didn't really sound like a question.

Kate headed away from the door.

"_Fine. _I'll _do _it." she said, directing the venom of her words at Ana.

As Kate slipped into the outfit that the hapless SJF member sprawled across the floor was wearing, she felt Ana lean in closer than she would have liked and whisper something in her ear.

"Before you do anything heroic and I have to stop hating you, I just want you to know..._I slept with him first_."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	21. Imaginary Lives

**Author's Notes: **I assure you, it's just a coincidence that this chapter's named after one of my LJ friends...(_Nathalie, if you happen by this, dude, you're totally famous right now :P_)

**Previously, on LOST: Sawyer, ** the willing-ish hostage of Rambina Coalition Acolytes, discovered that Locke has been participating in dealings with shippers! Oddly enough, the Rambina Operatives weren't Operatives at all, they were Anayid affiliated C.O.O.K.I.E.S agents! MOAR shipper insurgents? Zounds, the tapioca thickens! P.S. I know this fic has Skaters peering in, so expect some Skate coming up. Also, PB&J and some Daire might be around the corner...

**Officer, Shoot These People**

**CHAPTER 21: Imaginary Lives**

Locke stuck out a hand to help Sawyer up, but Sawyer smacked it away and got up on his own. He dusted himself off and proceeded to do precisely the thing he'd wanted to to since the whole ordeal had begun. Scream.

"Are you freakin' kidding me?!? You're involved with this? I _trusted_ you, baldie! Yeah—sure, I knew you were a little _cuckoo_, but working with the Others?! Are you out of your tiny little mind?! I can't believe this! All this time—actin' like some kinda shiny headed peon of revolution when all you are is a backstabbin' wanna be Crocodile Dundee! What you gotta say for yourself?"

Locke stood staring and blinked calmly.

"Are you done James?"

"_No_ I ain't done!! I am so far from done, Kojak!" Sawyer stood fuming and breathless. "I mean...I don't even know who the hell you are anymore!"

Locke chuckled. "James, you _never_ knew who I was. To you, I'm just some crazy guy who makes it on his own in his own crazy way, right? Look James, you gotta understand—"

"James don't gotta understand diddly! I understand clear enough. You've been workin' with the Others _all_ this time, ain't that right. The _shippers_, yeah? Psycho Cupid?? But you know what, there _is_ something you can explain. Why? Why'd you do it?"

"James, we came to this place—"

"--for a reason, yea yea, save the recruitment speech, Man vs Wild. Just answer. The damn. Question. _Why_?"

"Fine." Locke folded his arms. "Here's the bottom line. I'm a selfish superstitious bastard who does whatever he can to find out the answer to his true destiny."

Sawyer frowned, momentarily confused. Locke leaned his head to one side quizzically.

"That's what you wanna hear, right? Or how 'bout this. I was so sick of lying around camp waiting for the Great Lord Above to give me a sign that I decided to jump the fence, play for the other team and raise a little hell. How's that?"

"I'm not laughing, Eagle Eye."

Locke, however, was.

"I love you James. You're a real screwball!"

Locke shuffled towards a bunch of crates stacked in a corner, kicked the top off of one of them, revealing a considerable weapons cache.

Sawyer watched him, stunned, bewildered, agog, dumbfounded, speechless...well, maybe not _speechless_, but agog...

"I don't freakin' believe this! Do you realize my sort-of friends are trapped in god knows where with god knows what probably happening to them? Because of YOU!?"

"This has all been in motion for a very long time, Sawyer. It has nothing to do with me. I'm just an agent. Nothing that happens to any of you is either my fault or responsibility. It goes where it goes. And I..."

Locke strapped a rifle around his shoulders. "...well I just go where the wind blows."

"Well don't let the wind blow you in the butt on the way out." Sawyer sneered, and strode over, shoved Locke aside and grabbed a handgun from the crate.

"Where you "blowin'" anyway?"

"Didn't you hear? I'm leaving the island."

"What?"

"A few days ago...I kidnapped a man and brought him to a group of...shippers—just bear with me James—who called themselves Rambina Coalition Operatives. The man was Sayid."

Sawyer was agog. "You kidnapped Sayid? You sonofa—"

"—I brought him to them because they had promised me that they would release you, Jack, Kate and Ana Lucia. Obviously they lied, they had no intention of releasing anybody because they are apparently a part of some rogue shipper group called Anayid which seems to be bent on romantically pairing Ana Lucia and, uhm, Sayid—" Locke cleared his throat loudly in a badly veiled attempt not to laugh, "together. Haha!"

Sawyer wasn't laughing.

"Waitaminutewaitaminutewaitaminute, hold on, hold the phone, _back_ up. Ana and Sayid..." Sawyer thought for a second, racking his brain to remember all the absurd things Alex had been telling him back at her cabin. He remembered something she had said about the Sana Faction doing some funky hypno-jumbo with Ana LuLu's brain so that she would come to her senses, kill Kate and solidify Sana as the major ship on the island. But if there were people shipping Ana and _Sayid_ within the Sana shipper faction...why...that'd be a pretty damn big hole to bust in the Sana bubble. Plus, it meant that not only couldn't he trust anyone who was an agent of any shipping faction, he most likely couldn't even trust his hoodied teenage savior Alex!

But what side could Hoodie have taken to? She seemed to loath the reality of the entire thing...plus she'd just sent him on this big convoluted mission to save his friends...but what if it wasn't really about that at all? What if she was an insurgent for some shipper group and was secretly sending him into some kind of shipper trap? "Well hell!" Sawyer exclaimed aloud. Couldn't you trust ANYONE around this place?!

It occurred to Sawyer that the surreal little war he was caught in between was bigger than he'd thought.

"Anyway.." Locke went on, "so, here we are and here I am. I don't have Kate, Jack or Ana but I do have you. And you have a choice Sawyer. You can either leave the island with me, or stay here with the crazy people. It's your choice. Knowing you...you'll probably opt to save your own butt, am I right?"

Sawyer stared at Locke. In his minds eye, Locke suddenly appeared to be wearing a large flaming red T-Shirt with the words "DON'T TRUST A WORD I SAY" emblazoned in a neon pink text that looked like something a Bratz doll threw up. But then the vision faded and it was just Locke in his same old dingy Fruit of the Loom.

"Well guess you don't know _me_ so well 'neither..." Sawyer said curtly and dramatically, "Seems this's where we part ways, John."

Locke looked surprised at Sawyer's sudden solemn attitude. He nodded back slowly and equally as dramatic. "Seems so." The dramatic pause lasted another moment. "You surprised me, James.

With that, Locke shrugged his gear over his shoulders and turned to leave, saying as he went, "Take care...'_Sawyer_'".

"Wait a minute!"

Locke turned. "Yes, James?"

"I've been told there's some kinda station underneath the Arrow. Tell me how to get to it."

"Check the fireplace." Locke replied pedantically. He turned to go. A stray beam of sunlight bounced off of Locke's shiny head, briefly blinding Sawyer, and when his sight was restored, Locke was gone.

Sawyer rummaged through the weapons cache, and as he did, he found himself thinking about two girls that were on a lot of people's minds at that very same moment. _I wonder if I'll ever see them again_, he thought, and imagined their faces as he loaded a pair of handguns with clips. Ana's face smirked and shook her head cynically at him, doubtlessly predicting that he would fail miserably in his quest and Kate's face looked worried and tired, probably thinking about how desperately she wanted a shower and some handsome, reluctantly love-lorn Southern man with hands like Apollo to lather soap all over her gorgeous body...

*POP *. Jack's imaginary finger popped the Kate bubble.

"Hey!" Sawyer said out loud.

Imaginary Jack glared and dissolved into the ether.

Sawyer flipped Jack an imaginary bird, snapped a holster full of guns around his waist and went to the fireplace. A suspiciously shiny lever was sticking out of the ground. Thinking the better of it, Sawyer twisted the lever. The back of the fireplace creaked, groaned and slide aside, rumbling noisily. When the wall had stopped moving, a tunnel was revealed that sloped downwards, and contained a ladder which led underground.

"More stories for the grandkids." Sawyer mused aloud. He took a deep breath, let it out, and began the dark and treacherous climb into the underworld.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	22. Timecops and Love Terrorists

**Author's Notes: **Thought I was gone, didn't you? :P

**Previously, on LOST: Ana, Sayid, Kate and Jack** hatched a plan to escape from the Medusa station. Kate was last seen agreeing to don Other clothes while Ana casually mentioned the fact that she partook of Sawyer's manliness first. It's now up to Kate to get the gang out...but will her emotions cloud her reason? ...again?

**CHAPTER 22: Timecops and Love Terrorists**

Rebecca "Becka" D'augustina, a tall girl with eyes like the sea and a crisp ponytail of auburn hair, struck a complex wall-sized diagram featuring many interwoven lines leading to the islands operating ship factions with a ruler. She turned to her audience—a thick gathering of K.A.T.I.E's and Jack (All Sheep Need A Shephard) Island Hussies.

On her medical jacket styled after the ones Jack was often seen wearing in his flashbacks, Rebecca wore a gold trimmed nameplate identifying her as the Forum Headmistress of the Jate Shippers League. This title was the cherry atop the considerable mountain of her other relationshipper career achievements, (including regular donator to the Longer!Hair Ponytail Sawyer Thunk-athon, interim Proctor for the Kate AusTen InitativE, PB&J Platinum Member and author of "_Love At First Sight: A Jate Essay plus tips from the author on composition techniques to make your Jate music video be the best of all the rest!_")

Rather forcefully, she said, "What we have here...is a failure." She walked back and forth, eying her subjects as if everyone single of them had been the despicable perpetrator of some unforgivable deed. "A failure," she continued, "not just to communicate...but to correctly see and alter the future when circumstances demand it."

Sitting tidily concealed in the back was Jennifer, the (among other things) Skater Coalition Representative sent to sit in on the gathering. She frowned and looked around, wondering exactly who else was buying Rebecca's particular brand of overacting.

"We Jaters have a weapon." Rebecca continued. "And we have an obligation to use that weapon when circumstances pull too far beyond our control. Other shipper groups will disagree with this sentiment, calling it profoundly reckless, not to mention controversial. Some," Rebecca's searching eyes somehow managed to find Jennifer sitting way in the back, "would whisper of 'cheating'." A murmur went through the audience. "But how do we know this to be an untruth? Because, as Sayid might say, "our circumstances have changed." and as Jack would say—taking these words in our own, equally dire context..."_We _have_ to go back_."

Heads bobbed. Rebecca spoke the truth. What she was suggesting was necessary, not just for the ship to survive...but very likely, the whole entire island. The Jaters, as everyone knew, controlled not merely time, but the machinations of fate itself.

A chill went down Jennifer's spine. It was going to be a long week.

--------

Kate walked slowly down the hallway, her mop of brown hair strategically tossed over her face to conceal her features. Several K.A.T.I.E's walked by talking, not noticing her. Kate moved more of her hair in her face. _How bogus_, she thought ruefully, _it should be Ana traipsing down this murder hole, not me. She's the damn insurgent anyway. I can't believe Jack! That poor gutless man...he doesn't even see what she's all about! How can I make him understand? _

At that same moment, Kate suddenly found herself thinking about Sawyer. He was probably worried sick about her. Hopefully Ana's people hadn't gotten to him yet. Sawyer was a tough guy, he could take care of himself. But Ana's people...they were so crazy, special came to mind. Ana's people...Kate mused silently to herself, imagining Ana Lucia's army of adoring fangirls plotting some twisted scheme to solidify the unholiness that was Sana. _Ana's people_...but wait a minute. They were in a Medusa station...probably crawling with as many Skate operatives as Sana operatives.

A lightbulb went on. (Literally, as the ceiling lights had been flickering in the hallway for quite some time) People..._people_... "Say, I've got people _too_!" Kate said aloud, suddenly realizing exactly how she was going to get rid of Ana Lucifer whateverherlastnamewas once and for all.

In the back of Kate's head, she had heard the footsteps coming around the corner. It disturbed and confused her, when she would later recall the whole ugly affair, that her subconscious mind had chosen to ignore the sounds. When Kate, who had been walking slowly with her head down, lost in thought, finally looked up, two stunned women were standing there, wearing, just barely visible under their Dharma jumpers white Team Kate T-shirts. Kate, her heart beating a thousand miles a minute, brushed her hair aside, smiled and said, "OMG, I'm _so_ glad I bumped into you guys. How'd you girls like to help a sister out?"

---------

Back in the storage closet, Ana was fiddling with the ring on her finger, pondering the injustices of being a pariah on an island full of stupid people. She looked up to see Jack standing at the little circular window, staring out into the blue water surrounding them outside. Momentarily, Sayid came and sat nearby.

"She'll be okay."

Ana looked at him uncomprehendingly.

"Huh?"

"Kate. She has a good head on her shoulders. I believe she will succeed."

Ana looked more than usually cynical. She agreed unenthusiastically,"Yeah sure. I guess."

"If I may ask," Sayid pressed, "...what exactly has transpired to register such animosity between you two?"

Ana stared despondently at the floor. "Nothing. I'm just figuring out that you can't trust even the people you trust...and sometimes that blows."

"Who is it you feel you cannot trust?"

Ana sighed and leaned her head against the wall. "Jesus..._everyone_." In a move that surprised even her, she began to pour her heart out. "I saw Sawyer and Kate on TV having sex in the jungle and my eyes just about bled, okay? Seriously, a capillary burst or something because I literally went blind for a whole entire minute. This after me and Jack had just..." Her eyes drifted slightly toward Sayid who was sitting listening with a dispassionate expression on his face."...well, you know, right?" Ana shrugged. "Of course I knew what it meant—he didn't have any feelings for me at all, it was just some kind of sick game he'd sucked me into because he was twisted up from seeing the video. I gotta admit, that pissed me off. A _lot_. I mean...me and Jack, we..."

She paused.

"Yes? ...you and Jack?" Sayid was looking at her very intently.

"I thought he was genuine! Turns out he's just like all the rest of 'em. Only he's even worse because he wants to spread all his friggin' "wonderfulness" out to every pretty face that looks up at him. He's the jam and we're the crackers, you know? And he's not trying to make _us_ feel better, oh no, see, it's _all_ about him and his friggin' stubble. He always wants to feel like the big damn hero. Well hell, I'm done with it. I'm done with _him_."

"What about Sawyer?"

"What _about_ Sawyer?" Ana's brow knitted. "You think I'm gonna sell myself out to the cowboy to make myself feel better? Even that hick doesn't deserve that. Anyway, he's ruined for me." The horrible images from the Skate sex tape flashed through her mind. Ana shuddered.

"Are you sure?"

Ana almost laughed. "What's up Sayid, you tryin' to pit us against each other or something?"

Sayid smiled in the darkness. "No...I think the real battle here is with just one person."

"...yeah?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"Yourself."

"What the hell does _that _mean?"

"Despite your words...I think you love him."

"Who?"

"You know who."

Ana stared at Sayid very hard. He stared back. Ana looked like a hot fountain about to bubble over. Sayid looked dispassionate and uninterested.

"You know what?" Ana said finally, and then without warning, she leaned over, took his face in her hands and kissed him deeply. Time stopped. Heat flushed between their faces and a dam of emotion broke. She pulled away suddenly, and time, with the usual cosmic burp, went back to normal. Sayid, looking startled and confused, noticed that his hands were in her hair. Ana stood up and smoothed her hair back, her demeanor awkward in a tough sort of way. She cleared her throat and finally finished her sentence:

"Shut up."

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	23. Donuts Of Doom

**Previously, on LOST:**

** Sawyer: **after confronting Locke and having a short psychological chit-chat, headed down into the dark gutter of shipper-land to find his girlfriends and save the day.

**Kate: **realizing she has "people" too, hatched a last second plan to get rid of Ana Lulu.

**Ana: **determined not to admit she loves Sawyer, smooches Sayid! Yeah, I thought she was too cool for that kinda stuff too. Well she _was_ hypnotized, you must recall...

**The Jaters**: have a plan. And the way that representative was talking, possibly a TARDIS...

**CHAPTER 23: Donuts Of Doom  
**

The ladder creaked and groaned as he climbed down. Looking up, Sawyer saw, with a twinge of claustrophobia, that the light from above in the Arrow station was dimming. How far deep had be climbed by now? Seemed like hundreds of thousands of miles. He felt a bit like Alice, climbing deep down into Wonderland. Doubtlessly the underworld of the nefarious shippers was just as surreal and horrific a place as Alice's Wonderland, filled with delusional people harboring lots of delusions and things.

It was interesting however, Sawyer wondered, how much the underworld smelled like Captain McKlusky's Donut Stop back in Philly.

What Sawyer didn't realize was that the donut smell was coming from the Shippers Confectioners Cove directly below him—specifically, the kitchen in which the island's neurotic baker and self-proclaimed Dessertarian, Juliet—Member #107 of the Tailie Ship Association, third moderator of the C.O.O.K.I.E.S (Co-council Of Other Known Island Existent Ships) forum, Headmistress of the Jack (All Sheep Need A Shephard) Island Hussies Association and co-founder of the official Jana (Fixing Me Fixing You) shipper community—was baking her famous tapioca-filled chocolate macadamia nut Krullers with coconut shavings and raspberry sauce. She'd been ignoring the peculiar clanking noise in the ceiling for quite some time, thinking it must've been a loose water filtration pipe and that she'd have to get some grunt down from tech support to fix it, but she was most profoundly surprised when, as she breezed across the kitchen to take out her Krullers (and man, that recipe just got better each time she made it), the ventilation grate in the ceiling was kicked open and a six foot blonde man came dangling out and landed like a cat on his feet.

Sawyer turned slowly, sniffing the mouthwatering fragrances in the air and found himself staring at a nondescriptly pretty woman who stood holding a tray-ful of Krullers, her mouth agape. Sawyer pointed a gun at her, tossed his hair and said:

"Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to put the donuts down..._slowly_."

* * *

"So that's what I want you to do." Kate had been telling Lalita and Tiffany, the two K.A.T.I.E's she'd bumped into in the hallway.

"Of course our first priority is to escape—but since I'm assuming you guys are...you know...kind of my fangirls and everything..." Kate paused, letting the word" fangirl" digest. Somehow, the word tasted...good. _Really _good. "...so," She went on, "I'm sure you'll be willing to help me anyways...we're all on the same side here, right?"

The fangirls nodded emphatically. Rulebooks and proper protocol were whisked off of the shiny pink canvasses of their star-struck minds. They simply couldn't believe how awesome and in-control Kate really was in person.

"Alright, so just follow me and play along. Don't say anything unless I give you a prompt. Don't worry, it'll be an obvious prompt. Ana likely won't trust you since she doesn't trust me or basically anything that has a heartbeat, but that doesn't matter, just ignore her. I'll take care of everything. So...got it?"

The fangirls nodded some more.

"Great! Let's go!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Sayid, his lips still tingling from the impromptu and rather vague kiss Ana had planted on him, got to his feet and grabbed her arm as the Latina tried to hurry away to another corner of the room.

"Wait a minute." He turned her to face him. "Why did you just do that?"

"Why did Ana just do what?" Jack said, emerging from the darkness. Sayid abruptly let go of Ana's arm.

"Nothing—I was just—"

"Why isn't Kate back yet?" Jack interrupted Sayid, not really concerned at all with whatever Ana had just done, but just wanting to re-instill panic and readiness in the hearts of his remaining friends, just in case they had been getting a little too comfortable.

"I think one of us should go out there. She might need backup." Jack itched an imaginary scratch on his nose.

"I think Kate can take care of herself." Ana mumbled, not really caring what happened to Kate, but just wondering why she had just done that thing she did that minute ago.

Sayid said nothing, and instead stared at Ana, wondering if Kate had been right back at the cell when she had accused Ana of playing mind games with people.

"Sayid?" Jack seemed to expect an answer.

"I agree with Ana." Sayid said flatly, still staring at the Latina who seemed to be trying to make herself look smaller and not quite succeeding.

Jack sighed heavily. "This is nuts." He shook his head. "Shippers! What nonsense! And, can you even imagine—"

Suddenly, there were voices at the door. All three turned and watched as the door slowly came open, illuminating the apprehension on their faces.

* * *

Sawyer, meanwhile, was just finishing locking Juliet up in the kitchen's storage closet. Juliet glared through the frosted glass.

"You won't get away with this!" she yelled, her voice muffled from behind the doors.

"Oh-ho yes I will, sweetheart." Sawyer said as he helped himself to one of Juliet's freshly baked Krullers. He dipped the donut in some of the warm raspberry sauce and slurped the delectable oozing tapioca filling. He closed his eyes and moaned as the delicious filling melted in his mouth. Sawyer chewed, thinking that _finally _he'd found a bright spot in the whole ridiculous 'Shipper' setup. They may have been bonkers, but man those girls could _bake_!

"Maybe you'd like that with some fava beans and a nice chianti." Juliet remarked from behind the door.

Sawyer just grinned and stuffed the donut in his mouth. "If you gals weren't off your rockers, I'd totally ditch the killjoys at the beach and slum it down here in Riverdale, sweetcheeks. Now where's the control room?"

"Mars."

"That another Dharma station?"

"No, it's a planet, dumbass."

Sawyer tossed his hair. "Ain't gonna tell me? Fine. Ain't no problem. I'll just hafta find it myself now, _won't_ I?"

"What do you plan to do?" For a second, Juliet looked desperate. Sawyer knew she was probably just trying to stall him, but he didn't mind since it gave him the opportunity to snarf down another of those delectable Krullers.

"The plan," Sawyer said, donut crumbs flying from his mouth, "is to end this cracked up little setup you gals got goin' on down here. By the end of the day, this whole damn island's gonna be crawling with Friendly Neighborhood Red Shirts, military and with any luck, some FBI people."

"If you don't mind telling me, how did you find out about the control room?"

"Alex told me."

Juliet's eyes widened. "Alex!" She cursed under her breath. "That damn ASL brat! Sawyer, you cannot listen to a word she says -- she's evil! EVIL!"

"I'm sure she is. I've managed to overlook it since she's promised me and my friends a way off of the Island of the Damned. Now why don't you tell _me _something, Mrs. Butterworth. What's the deal anyway with this "shipping" stuff? Whose idea was it? The guv'mints? This some kinda psychological social experiment? Do the taxpayers know about this? How much are ya gettin' _paid_?"

"The only payoff, James, is seeing our favorite characters--I mean seeing people that we care about being happy in fulfilling, passionate relationships with each other. I don't think that's so terribly bad and unreasonable, do you?"

"What is this, Divorce Court? Ain't none of us married to each other! Thank _GOD_! Tell ya if any of us _were_, there'd be a heckuva lot more dead people on this island! Anyway, who made _you _Emma??"

"Sawyer," Juliet pressed her face up against the glass of the freezer, "You've gotta understand that we're only interested in your well-being. Just like Ana Lucia!"

Sawyer almost choked on his donut. "What?!" He was laughing. "Oh, please! Yeah, lemme tell you something about _Ana_ Lu_cia_. You want to talk about about my well-being, well she's the private insurance company to my universal healthcare! She's the hangnail that you can't bite off because it's too short, so it just sits there, itchin' and bleedin' and hurtin' and hangin' in there every day damn you can't find the nail clippers! She's a _bitch_! She's a.....she's a...."

The Southerner trailed off, apparently out of inventive insults. Juliet shook her head. "Dear sir, methinks thou dost protest too much. Here's what I think. I think you _LIKE _that she's a bitch. I think you love how she hates you and you love to hate her right back. I think you _LIKE _that hangnail, sir, that's why you won't clip it. You _like _the pain. The pain makes you feel _good_. It _arouses_ something in you--it arouses the _beast_. She's the engine that drives your Mustang, the hammer on your gun, the Zippo to your cigarette! And you know what else, I think deep down you know that's only one side of her, that there's a whole other Ana Lucia you haven't even SEEN yet! A soft, caring, loving, squishy center of the hard candy shell, just like you! And you know that if you can just stop acting like an _asshole _for five minutes and _let her in_, you'd actually get to _see _it! _Where _am I wrong here!?"

Sawyer was staring at her, his upper lip unconsciously curling into a little sneer. Inside, his heart was beating a million times a minute. Every fiber of his being was rebelling against every word she said. She was wrong! This chica didn't know anything! She was just some nutty shipper who happened to bake really good donuts! What did she know about how a Sawyer felt?! Nothing, that's what! Not diddly-squat!

_But goddamnit, she was right!_

Sawyer said nothing, and stalked to the door, proceeding to leave the kitchen. He momentarily returned and grabbed a warm cookie off of a just-baked sheet of white chocolate chip pecan cookies. He scowled back at the woman in the freezer as he left. "Kudos to the chef!"

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	24. Deep Thoughts

**Author's Notes**: Thank you thank you for the comments everyone! I'm happy to say that Locke will be making a re-emergence somewhere around the last five chapters and very briefly, a couple of other ships are going to get in on the crazy. I'm planning on wrapping this up in ten chapters, so if there are any particular extra "plot" points or madhotjunglesex scenes you want to see, comment now! :)

**PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST:**

**Ana, Jack and Sayid**: Were waiting for Kate to return after a mission to get out an SOS from The Medusa's communication station.

**Kate**: Had other ideas....

**CHAPTER 24: Deep Thoughts**

Desmond sat on the shore, thinking deep thoughts.

_How can I finally tell Claire how I feel about her? And what on earth could she possibly see in that full-sized Smurf masquerading as a musician?_

At that moment, a bright wave of light hit Desmond, and he began to have a vision:

_Lights danced about erratically, vaguely illuminating a scene of conflict and chaos. Two men were fighting, lunging crazily for each other. And there was a woman. Blonde. Blue eyed. A vision of innocence and damsel-like confusion. Claire! She was running. Screaming. Scared. Claire! Wait! I'm coming Claire! Then—SPLAT—what the hell was that!? Claire was covered in something sticky and red. Blood! She'd been shot! But wait a sec—guns don't go "splat". But anyway...there was a man. The assassin. It was...what?? Charlie!? How could that be?? But he was holding a gun, and he was covered in Claire's bright red blood!_

Desmond's eyes snapped open. The vision ended. Someone had called his name.

"Desmond!"

He turned. It was Claire, running down the beach. She was waving frantically at him.

"Desmond, Desmond, come quick!"

He leapt to his feet. "What's happened?"

"It's Charlie! He's been kidnapped!"

"What? When?"

"Just seconds ago! Right in front of me! I was talking to him and then there were these people that just walked right out of the bushes and they grabbed him and put something over his mouth and then went back into the jungle—"

"And you just stood there?" Desmond was confused.

"Well, they sort of distracted me. They were actually pretty nice and one of them had brought some cotton diapers for the baby and she was explaining how to use it so I kind of didn't notice them take Charlie till it was too late—Des, you've got to help! C'mon, I'll show you where it happened. Right down the beach...!"

* * *

Tucking a set of old fashioned keys in her glossy red K.A.T.I.E Team Member jacket, Vanessa K Carissa headed casually down the hallway of The Owl, a, thus far, extremely classified Dharma station that remains to this day in an undisclosed region of the Island. Vanessa K. Carissa had been sent by the Jate Council, which, fed up by the erratic movements of the Skaters and the Jawyers, and especially by Sana and Jana's tentative alliance against C.O.O.K.I.E.S and Skate (which was really not much of an alliance since both factions were still fraught with plots of vicious backstabbery), had enacted an After Hour Executive Order to flip a switch that would doubtlessly be the undoing of everything that had transpired. Now that the assigned and now smugly grinning K.A.T.I.E had used The Key, a little jump backwards in time would be all that would be needed to reverse the damage caused to the Jate factions plans. Shortly, certain sex tape controversies would be radically altered, certain scowling Latina people would be hurriedly whisked out of the picture, and all would be well.

Or would it?

* * *

Sayid, Ana and Jack stood squinting into the light Three silhouettes were standing at the entrance of the door. One of them appeared to be being restrained. The door opened wider. Indeed it was Kate, held at gunpoint by the two K.A.T.I.E's, Lalita and Tiffany! Kate squirmed and looked helplessly to Jack.

"I'm sorry Jack. I tried, but they—"

"Shut up!" the K.A.T.I.E named Tiffany ordered and pressed the gun tighter to Kate's skull. "You're all coming with us. I want a single file line, now, no talking, hands up in the air. Do it!"

Jack, Ana and Sayid complied. As they filed past the two K.A.T.I.E'S, Ana, by sheer force of cop habit, quickly sized up the two women. They were young, probably in their 20ies, petite, about her height, slender, couldn't weigh more than 100 pounds, well manicured nails—_too _well manicured, but more importantly, the gunwoman holding Kate hostage appeared to have forgotten to turn the safety on her gun off.

How odd, Ana Lucia thought. The wheels began to spin in her mind. She could wrestle the gun away, but then what if she got the safety off only to find out it wasn't loaded? That could suck. Anyway she, Jack and Sayid could probably take them down and fight their way to the surface, but that might be needlessly messy and alert too many people... This sort of mission would take some thought.

The gang proceeded down the hallway.

"Where are we going?" Kate asked.

"Holding station. You're to be re-processed and go through indoc."

"Indoc? What's that?" Ana asked.

"Indoctrination." Lalita replied curtly.

"Indoctrination for what?" Jack asked.

"That's up to Jennifer." answered Tiffany.

"Who's Jennifer?" Sayid asked.

"Jate Faction Rep." said Lalita.

"Jate? What the hell is that?" asked Ana.

"Jack and Kate Relationship." said Tiffany, grinning.

"Excuse me?!" Jack exclaimed. This was certainly the first time he'd heard of it...though he had to admit it did make sense...

But that was the last straw for Ana Lucia. She stopped dead in her tracks.

"Oh _hell_ no. That's it. That's _it_!"

Lalita pointed the gun at Ana. "Get. Moving."

Ana scoffed. "Oh, _please_."

With that, Ana Lucia slapped the gun out of Lalita's hand. The K.A.T.I.E looked on surprised as the gun skittered across the floor.

"'Lita, look out!!" Tiffany yelled, but it was too late. Ana decked the distracted Lalita, who hit the linoleum with a dramatic THUMP.

Ana looked down at the unconscious woman. "You left the safety on. _Idiot_." Ana shook her head, then turned on Tiffany who backed up slowly. Ana took one step toward her and Tiffany bolted down the hallway. Ana gave chase, but to everyone's surprise, Kate, quick as lightening, grabbed the gun off the floor, flipped the safety switch and fired the gun in the escaping Tiffany's general direction. Somehow, the bullet seemed to curve more towards Ana's direction, and she ducked, and hit the deck as the bullet bounced off of a wall, shattering one of the flickering ceiling lights in the hallway. Tiffany, (who happened to have been on track team back in the Real World), sprinted around a corner, never to be seen again.

Meanwhile, recovering on the floor, Ana found herself almost completely positive that Kate's bullet had been meant for her, and said, fuming, "What the fu—!!!"

The blaring of a klaxon conveniently bleeped out the latter portion of Ana's sentence. An automated female voice recited a haiku of alarm:

"_Cell breach in Psychoacoustics. All Green Legion S.N.S Personnel to Level 2. Save the cheerleader, save the world._"

"Christ!" Jack grabbed the gun from Kate. "Thanks a lot _Kate_, you just alerted the whole damn _station_! Ana, are you okay??"

"NO."

"Get up, we gotta go!"

"You guys follow me, I know a way out!" Kate said, and started running in the opposite direction. Jack ran after but Sayid straggled behind as Ana dusted herself off and caught up. Sayid ran alongside her, concerned.

"Are you alright? What happened?"

"What's it look like happened, the bitch _shot_ at me!"

"I believe she was shooting at—"

"No, Sayid. She _wasn't_. And you know what? I don't think she's planning on getting us all outta here in one piece either."

Sayid frowned, not understanding. Ana ran ahead.

"NOW Sayid!" Kate was yelling. The group dashed down the halls, klaxons blaring in their wake, and the rapid Stormtrooper like footfalls of Ship Neutral Security operatives in pursuit. (FYI, S.N.S operatives weren't really ship "neutral", just like the C.I.A isn't really "intelligent") What was really happening, however, as the blood-pumping dash for the doors took place, was far more serious than simply a group of trapped and confused Losties running for escape. In reality, the entire event had been planned by Kate moments before she had appeared at the door of the utility closet as a "hostage" of the two K.A.T.I.E's. First, she would play on Ana's natural suspicion by setting up Lalita to hold a weapon that would be obviously useless—at least to a former cop. Second, she would trigger a pointless conversation that would lead up to revealing the nature of a ship—namely Jate—that Ana clearly would not care for, since she held conflicting interests with the "J" part of the ship, and thus lose it, enabling Kate to take the third step and the opportunity to pretend to shoot at her "escaping kidnapper" who was actually at that moment running for Skater reinforcements, and then, Kate, as she was doing at that very moment, would lead the entire group to safety, and "accidentally" leave Ana trapped in a level of The Medusa that would soon be crawling with Skaters.

Kate did love it when a plan came together. Working quickly, she found the escape hatch the two K.A.T.I.E's had told her about and punched in the password (SKATE4EVR) into the keypad on the doorknob. Presently, Sayid, Jack and Ana joined them.

"Inside, quick!" Kate ushered Jack and Sayid into the darkness of the escape hatch, but when Ana tried to shoulder through, Kate, eying her antagonist with vindictive satisfaction, shoved her back and slammed the door, leaving Ana's stunned countenance on the other side.

Jack whirled around. "Kate! What are you—"

"No time! Go, go, go!"

"Kate, we're NOT leaving without Ana Lucia, what the hell do you think you're—"

Suddenly, everyone's ears began to hurt. There was a blinding flash of white light, and precisely as Jack murmured "Ohhh frak," the world went inky black.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
